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Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sex in Islam - Its Role and Purpose
Sex in Islam - Its Role and Purpose
by Syed Mumtaz Ali & Rabia Mills
In the Islamic faith, the first and the foremost and the most reliable and highest form of religious law for faithful Muslims is contained within the holy Qur'an. The Prophetic Traditions (also known as Hadith, which are the sayings and doings and tacit approval of things said or done in the presence of the Prophet Muhammad, p.b.u.h.)(1) are a second source of law. With that said, we hope the following reply will answer your question.
According to Islam, procreation is not the sole and only purpose of marriage. While procreation is a primary purpose, companionship and enjoyment of the spouse along with avoidance of unlawful or sinful relationships are also secondary purposes. These secondary purposes play their own important roles in the Islamic teachings which govern sexual relations. In other words, although procreation is definitely an aim, it is not an exclusive aim. Procreation is the major purpose, but nonetheless enjoyment and other purposes also play significant roles in married life as evidenced by the Islamic teachings which relate to sexual relations.
Although the primary purpose of sex is procreation, the Qur'an does not forbid it when a woman reaches menopause. For example, in the Qur'an is the story is about the Prophet Zakariya a.s.(2) (Christian spelling -- Zakaria) [see Qur'an 19:1-15] who had fathered a child well into his old age. One verse in particular reads:
"He [Zakariya] said: "O my Lord! How shall I have a son, when my wife is barren and I have grown quite decrepit from old age?" [Qur'an 19:8]
"He said: "So (it will be): thy Lord saith, "That is easy for Me: I did indeed create thee before, when thou hadst been nothing!" [Qur'an 19:9]
The Qur'anic reference above, then, shows the case of a couple carrying on sexual relations well into old age. This in turn signifies that these relations are allowed within marriage and into old age for Muslim couples.
You will recall that this same story is found in the Old Testament with reference to Zakaria a.s. who was made to be mute for three days and nights as a sign from God.
In this connection, it is interesting to note that even in our relatively recent times, history has recorded the fact that the great Sufi Shaikh, Abdul Qadir Gilani r.a., was born on the 1st day of Ramadan 470 A.H [some historians say 471 A.H] which corresponds to March 18, 1078 A.D. His mother was 60 years of age at the time of his birth.
In terms of the Traditions of the Prophet Muhammad, p.b.u.h. we can see another meaningful example of this in the life of the Prophet. The Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h. married his first wife (Khadija aged 40) when he was 25 years old, and he remained monogamous throughout his entire 26 years of marriage to her. He then married A'isha at the age of 54, but this was three years after the death of Khadija. It was after this marriage that he then took other wives. By the way, many non-Muslim writers have directed a great deal of unjust criticism against him for this. In fact all of these women were quite old or were widows who had been left destitute and without protection during those troubled times. And so as the head of State at Medina, the only proper way (according to Arab code) in which Muhammad p.b.u.h. could extend both protection and maintenance to them was by marriage.(3) [see also Appendix A] Those marriages were not only consummated, but ancillary sexual relations have also been reported to us through the Hadith literature. Hence another proof that sexual relations are considered acceptable well into old age. "Polygamy was not always considered to be so reprehensible as it is now. For example, St. Augustine himself observed that there was no intrinsic immorality or sinfulness in it, and declared that polygamy was not a crime where it was the legal institution of a country."(4) This subject matter, however, is another topic altogether. [see also Appendix B]
We have reproduced an excerpt on our website by Dr. M.A. Rauf from his book 'Marriage in Islam'. In this excerpt, Dr. Rauf discusses in great detail the advantages and possible disadvantages of marriage. Among the advantages that he discusses are procreation, fulfilment of the natural urge, companionship, comfort and relief to the soul, and so on. He also discusses the disadvantages and the types of burdens and risks involved with marriage. All of the advantages or benefits are in effect meant to be regarded as the secondary purpose of marriage which supplement its major aim or purpose, namely procreation. We would highly recommend that you read this excerpt for a more complete understanding of our present response to you.
With regards to your question regarding menopause, we would also strongly suggest that you read the book "The Proper Conduct of Marriage in Islam" by Imam al-Ghazzali. (5) [see also Appendix C] We would particularly refer you to where al-Ghazzali explains the rationale and reasoning for the recommendation of marriage - even for the impotent. In his Conclusion, al-Ghazzali discusses the other purposes of marriage and that is to fulfil the natural sexual desires as well as to experience its joy and protection from the perils of lust.
If one cohabits with one's own wife -- not for carnal pleasure alone, but for performing the duty imposed by God -- it would be an act of piety and devotion, meriting the pleasure and reward from God and this is as the Prophet p.b.u.h. has observed. This is what has been described as spiritualizing temporal duties. [see also Appendix D] You might also refer to where Imam al-Ghazzali discusses the subject of relaxation and recreation for the soul and so on.
Islam also prescribes certain rules of sexual etiquette. Imam al-Ghazzali also sets out the PropheticTraditions which deal with the pleasures of 'foreplay' and other similar enjoyments that are permitted when the wife is menstruating. Not permitted, however, is to go so far as to copulate by means of penetration into the vagina during menstruation.
Islam has declared fornication (which by definition in Islam includes adultery) unlawful, and it goes to great lengths to make it repugnant by sanction and deterrent. It has even gone so far as to make any alliances of this type of unlawful sexual relationship a heinous sin and an odious offence. In other words, sexual relations of any kind, that fall outside of lawful marriage, are absolutely forbidden. For example:
"Nor come nigh to adultery for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils)." [Qur'an 17:32]
"The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication - flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day. And let a party of the Believers witness their punishment." [Qur'an 24:2]
"Those who bring the charge of adultery against chaste women but cannot produce four witnesses to prove the charge, give them 80 lashes and their testimony should never be believed." [Qur'an 24:4]
Four Prophetic Traditions [Hadith]:
1. "Said the Prophet: 'A grievously heinous sin in the estimation of God is to commit adultery with a woman living in one's neighbourhood'" [Bukhari & Muslim]
2. " He or she who casts a lewd glance at another and allows himself or herself to be attracted likewise, both meet the displeasure of God." [Dailami]
3. "There is nothing which God abhors more than adultery."
4. "Observed the Prophet: 'Whenever a calamity befalls a centre of population, take it for granted that immorality is rampant in that place.' [Dailami]
More Qur'anic quotes and Hadith:
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." [Qur'an 30:21]
"And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." [Qur'an 25:74]
"Your wives are a tilth unto you; so go to your tilth when or how you will." [Qur'an 2:223]
Hadith: "Narrated Abdullah Ibn Abbas: Ibn Umar misunderstood (the Qur'anic verse, "So come to your tilth however you will") - may Allah forgive him. The fact is that this clan of the Ansar, who were idolaters, lived in the company of the Jews who were the people of the Book. They (the Ansar) accepted their superiority over themselves in respect of knowledge and the followed most of their actions. The people of the Book (i.e., the Jews) used to have intercourse with their women on one side alone (i.e., lying on their backs). This was the most concealing position for (the vagina of) the women. This clan of the Ansar adopted this practice from them. But this tribe of the Quraysh used to uncover their women completely, and seek pleasure with them from in front and behind and laying them on their backs.
When the muhajirun (the immigrants) came to Medina, a man married a woman of the Ansar. He began to do the same kind of action with her, but she disliked it, and said to him: We were approached on one side (i.e. lying on the back); do it so, otherwise keep away from me. The matter of theirs spread widely and it reached the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him).
So Allah, the Exalted, sent down the Qur'anic verse: "Your wives are a tilth to you, so come to your tilth however you will," i.e., from in front, from behind or lying on the back. But this verse meant the place of the delivery of the child, i.e., the vagina." [from the Hadith literature: Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Number 2159]
"Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments." [Qur'an 2:187]
"It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and (then) He has created from him his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her . . ." [Qur'an 7:189]
"And Allah has made for you mates (and companions) of your own nature, and made for you, out of them, sons and daughters and grandchildren, and provided for you sustenance of the best: will they then believe in vain things, and be ungrateful for Allah's favours?" [Qur'an 16:72]
Hadith: On the authority of Abu Dharr : Some of the companions of the messenger of Allah said :" O Messenger of Allah, the affluent have made off with the rewards, they pray as we pray they fast as we fast, and they give away in charity the superfluity of their wealth." He said:" Has not Allah made things for you to give away in charity ? Every tasbihah is a charity, every takbirah is a charity, every tahmidah is a charity, and every tahlilah is a charity, to enjoin a good action is a charity, to forbid an evil action is a charity, and in the sexual act of each of you there is a charity." They said: "O Messenger of Allah, when one of us fulfils his sexual desire will he have some reward for that?" He said: "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully he would be sinning ? Likewise, if he has acted upon it lawfully he will have a reward." [Muslim]
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Appendix A
From "Life of Muhammad" by A.H. Hamid Siddiqui. Hilal Publications, Calcutta 1981. Pages 243-247.
Marriages of the Holy Prophet
"He was hardly twenty-five years of age when he married Khadijah, who was fifteen years older than himself. It was with her and her alone that he passed all the years of his youth and manhood until she died three years before Hijra, when he was already a man of fifty. After the sad demise of Khadijah, he again went in for a widow, this time a helpless one in great distress. She was one of the earliest converts to Islam who had suffered many hardships for the cause of Truth.
The Holy Prophet married A'ishah, the daughter of his devoted friend Abu Bakr. She was the only virgin wife of Muhammad (peace be upon him).
Events took a very serious turn in Medina. The enmity of the Quraysh resulted in armed battles in which so many of the noble Muslims fell as martyrs. It was, therefore, the bounden duty of the Holy Prophet and his companions to alleviate the sufferings of the widows and the orphans who had been deprived of their husbands and fathers. Muhammad (peace be upon him) undertook the major burden on himself and married Hafsa, daughter of 'Umar, whose husband had died in the battle of Badr. It was on this ground of clemency and compassion that the Holy Prophet married Zaynab, the daughter of Khuzaimah, who had been deprived of her husband in Uhud. Her parents were non-Muslims living in Mecca and after the martyrdom of her husband, there was none to take care of her. The next lady to enter the hospitable household of the Holy Prophet was Umm Salamah whose husband had received fatal injuries in the battle of Uhud and died leaving behind a pregnant widow and a daughter. The Prophet was moved by her pitiable condition and honoured her by taking her as his wife. The events relating to the marriage of Zaynab bint Jahsh have been discussed in great detail in the foregoing pages and it has been established that this marriage was governed by some important social considerations, i.e. to obliterate the customs of adoptive affinity and also to remove the false notion then prevalent in society that the divorce of a noble lady by a freed slave undermined her prestige.
Besides these widows of his faithful followers, whom it fell to his lot to take under his protection and share their sufferings and sorrows, the Holy Prophet also took three widows of his enemies in marriage. The entry of these three ladies, Juwayriyah, Maymuna and Safiyyah (may Allah be pleased with them) in the house of the Holy Prophet, became the means whereby relations with various tribes were cemented and this is how hostilities came to an end.
It is quite evident that the marriages of the Holy Prophet were governed mainly by the feeling of compassion for the widows of his faithful followers, who had no means to fall back upon after they were bereft of the love and care of their husbands. This fact has been acknowledged even by the critics of the Prophet. "It would be remembered, however," says Bosworth Smith, "that most of Muhammad's marriages may be explained, at least, as much by his pity for the forlorn condition of the persons concerned, as by other motives."
Other marriages were contacted from the motives of policy, in order to conciliate the heads of rival factions.
Then there was also one more consideration, in no way less important than those discussed earlier, which led to these marriages. Muhammad (peace be upon him) was the bearer of God's message not only for men, but also for women. The womenfolk needed the prophetic guidance, training and instruction in the same way as the males. The Holy Prophet was fully cognizant of the need of Muslim society. He had, therefore, in the best interest of the Ummah, endeavored to create a new leadership amongst women, which, like its counterpart amongst men could, by precept and example, help the formation of a new type of womanhood representing the teachings of Islam. How could this objective be achieved without first preparing the most perfect specimen of Muslim womanhood. The Holy Prophet allowed some women, belonging to different social groups, having different tastes and tendencies and different intellectual standards to enter his household as his wives and then by his close personal contact, nurture and train their God-given faculties so perfectly in accordance with the teachings of Islam that they could serve as pillars of light not only for the womenfolk of the Islamic commonwealth, but for the whole of womankind. One or two woman could not undertake this heavy responsibility. A whole group was required to meet this need.
Moreover, there is a good deal of difference in the nature of training essential for male and female. Man's life is dominated by social activities, whereas the natural sphere of woman's work is primarily her home. It is the wife alone who shares with the husband even the most secret affairs of life. The Holy Prophet could not prepare the specimen of Islamic womanhood unless he allowed some ladies to enter the innermost chambers of his domestic life. In view of the teachings of Islam, with regard to seclusion of sexes, only the noble wives of the Holy Prophet could be accommodated on this plane and mankind owes a deep debt of gratitude to these noble ladies that they communicated to us most faithfully, the sacred account of the Prophet's private life, which, like his public career, had so many facets and has been made a model pattern for the believers, both men and women. The injunction of the Qur'an: 'Verily in the Apostle of Allah, you have the best example' (33:2) covers not only one aspect of his sacred life, but his whole life . It was with a view to achieving this objective, i.e., the authentic transmission of the Prophet's home life to the people that a few noble ladies were made to enter his house as his wives.
The Qur'anic verse: 'It is not allowed to take wives after this, nor to change them for others (33:52) implies that the Holy Prophet, like all his other acts, contacted those marriages perfectly in accordance with the will of the Lord. There was a divine purpose behind them and when it was achieved, a restriction was place upon him.
That the Prophet married these ladies as a religious necessity can well be judged from the fact that he spent his youth in the company of one wife, Khadijah only. At the age of forty he was commissioned as a Prophet, and during the first twelve years of his prophethood, when he had only to instil in the minds of the people the fundamentals of faith, i.e., Oneness of God, apostlehood of Muhammad, life after death, he did not feel the necessity of marrying any other lady. After the death of Khadijah, he married Sawda, a widow of advanced age. But with the migration to Medina when Islamic society was established, the Muslims were required to conform their social and personal behaviour to the teachings of Islam, revelations for practical guidance in all walks of life came from Allah. These had to be explained by the life example of the holy Prophet. There was not one problem, but numerous problems concerning all phases of life that needed solving at every step. How the holy Prophet solved them must be made known to the people as it is also an integral part of the faith for 'he does not speak of his own desire' (Qur'an 53:3) It is God who speaks through him in whatever he utters by way of spiritual guidance or practical legislation. Now, whatever the Holy Prophet said or did in public could easily be conveyed to the other people for their guidance. But what about his private life which was equally important and divinely inspired and had to serve as an example for the Believers? It is through the noble wives of the holy Prophet that the Muslims learnt the teachings of Islam in their personal concerns. It was not an ordinary work, but an important task of vast magnitude which was admirably accomplished by these pious ladies. (Allah be pleased with them). How can these facts be justifiably ignored in the matter of Muhammad's marriages?
It is strange indeed that the western critics of Islam and of the holy Prophet in their sordid endeavors to malign Muhammad (peace be upon him) close their eyes to all those illuminating facts which prove that his was a life of perfect sublimity and single-minded devotion to Allah, absolutely free from the taint of base desires. It is narrated on the authority of Jabir b. 'Abd Allah that Abu Jahl and some of the chiefs of the Quraysh approached the holy Prophet and said:
" If you are anxious for leadership, we are prepared to declare you our leader, if you need riches, we would collect for you an enormous amount of wealth that will suffice not only for you but even for your descendants; if you are impelled by sexual urge, you may choose ten beautiful damsels out of the whole tribe of Quraysh. The holy Prophet kept silent and did not utter a word. When their talks concluded, the holy Prophet recited the following verse of the Qur'an:
Ha Mim! A revelation from the Beneficent, the Merciful; A Book of which the verses are made plain, an Arabic Qur'an for people who know and the bearer of glad tidings and a warner: Yet most of them turn aside so that they hearken not. [Qur'an 41:4-4]
The holy Prophet recited these verses of the Qur'an and concluded them with the following verse:
Then if they still turn away, say thou: I warn you of calamity of the 'Ad and Thamud. [Qur'an 51: 13]
Even this single event is enough to prove Muhammad's immense love for Allah, his devotion to his sacred mission and the insignificance in his eyes the worldly pleasures. Allurement could not distract him, even for a moment, form the noble cause for which he stood and suffered all kinds of hardships and privations. No opportunity could be more attractive than that this offered by the chiefs of Quraysh for the satisfaction of sensuous pleasures, if he were so inclined."
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Appendix B
Excerpt from: "Introduction to Islam" by Dr. M. Hamidullah
402. It is true that Islam permits polygamy, but on this point Muslim law is more elastic and more in harmony with the requirements of society than the other systems of law which do not permit polygamy in any case. Supposing there is a case in which a woman has young children, and falls chronically ill, becoming incapable of doing the household work. The husband has no means of employing a maid-servant for the purpose, not to speak of the natural requirements of conjugal life. Supposing also that the sick woman gives her consent to her husband to take a second wife, and that a woman is found who agrees to marry the individual in question. Western law would rather permit immorality than a legal marriage to bring happiness to this afflicted home.
403. In fact, Muslim law is nearer to reason. For, it admits polygamy when a woman herself consents to such a kind of life. The law does not impose polygamy, but only permits it in certain cases. We have just remarked that it depends solely on the agreement of the woman. This is true of the first wife as well as the second one in prospect. It goes without saying that the second woman may refuse to marry a man who has already one wife; we have seen that no one can force a woman to enter into a marriage tie without her own consent. If the woman agrees to be a "co-wife" it is not the law which should be considered as cruel and unjust with regard to women and as favouring only men. As to the first wife, the act of polygamy depends on her. For, at the time of her marriage, she may demand the acceptance and insertion, in the document of the nuptial contract, or the clause that her husband would practise monogamy. Such a condition is as valid as any other condition of a legal contract. If a woman does not want to utilize this right of hers, it is not legislation which would oblige her to do that. We have just spoken of exceptional cases; and the law must have possible remedies. Polygamy is not the rule, but an exception; and this exception has multifarious advantages, social as well as other - the details would be burdensome here - and Islamic law need not be shy of this elasticity.
404. In the religious law of antiquity, there is no restriction to the number of wives a man may have. All the Biblical prophets were polygamous. Even in Christianity which has become synonymous with monogamy, Jesus Christ himself never uttered a word against polygamy; on the other hand, there are eminent Christian theologians, like Luther, Malanchthon, Bucer, etc., who would not hesitate to deduce the legality of polygamy from the parable of the virgins spoken of in the Gospel of Matthew (25:1-12) for Jesus Christ envisages there the possibility of the marriage of one man with as many as ten girls simultaneously. If the Christians do not want to profit by the permissions (which the founder of their religion seems to have given them), the law is not changed for all that. This is true of the Muslims also, whose law is moreover the only one in history which expressly limits the maximum permissible number of polygamous wives. (For Christian theory and practice, as well as for general discussion, cf. also Encyclopedia Britannica, under the articles, Marriage, and Polygamy; Westermarck, History of Human Marriage, 3 Vols.)
***
In a delightful report about how Imam Abu Hanifah received his name (his original name was Numan bin Thaabit bin Zuta bin Mah), an account of why the wife is forbidden to take more than one husband is recounted. 'Abu Hanifah' is an unusual name because it means 'the father of Hanifah', and Hanifah was his daughter. It was not the custom in those days to do this. Normally, the name would be 'the father of the name of a son.'How this came about is quite edifying. One day the great Imam Abu Hanifah was asked a question that, for the first time in his illustrious career, he was unable to answer. The question was, "Why were women forbidden to marry more than one husband at a time?" To make a long story short, Abu Hanifah's daughter said that she knew the answer and would solve this question if her father would make a promise to her that if she succeeded in solving this problem, he would then assure her a place in history. Abu Hanifah agreed. So she gathered a group of women together and gave each of them a cup. Then she brought in a large bowl of milk and asked each of them to dip their cups in the milk and to fill their cups. They did so. She then asked them to pour back the milk into the bowl. They did this too. She then asked them to re-fill their cups taking back only their own milk that they had poured into the bowl. This, obviously, was impossible to do. Hanifah had clearly demonstrated the kind of predicament that would be created if a woman had several husbands. With more than one husband, if she were to become pregnant, she would have exceptional difficulties determining who the actual father was. Identifying parentage and lineage would then be insurmountable for the offspring. Imam Abu Hanifah was so pleased with her answer that he took the name 'Abu Hanifah', 'the father of Hanifah', so his daughter did indeed earn a place in history.
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Appendix C
This is a grammatically edited excerpt from the chapter 'Adab an-Nikah' from Imam Ghazzali's 'Ihya Ulum-id-din' translated by Fazlul-Karim. Also blended with this translation is an excerpt from 'The Proper Conduct of Marriage in Islam' and this is a translation of the same chapter by Muhtar Holland.
Benefits of marriage
There are five benefits: (1) to beget children, (2) to control sexual urges, (3) to obtain peace of mind, (4) to increase divine service, and (5) to gain rewards for duties to family. [Item (4) and (5) are not dealt with in this Appendix.]
(1) To beget children. This is the main purpose for marriage. The aim is to engender and preserve the human race. Four objectives are accomplished through procreation: - (i) to increase mankind (ii) Islam is propagated by increasing the number of followers of the Prophet, p.b.u.h. (iii) parents will hope to leave behind children who will pray for them (iv) and if a child dies before the parents, the prayers of the child in Paradise will be very beneficial for the parents.
The first objective is very subtle and not easily comprehended by man. It is a natural truth and the following is its proof. Take for example a landowner who has generously given a servant a large amount of seed and the tools for cultivation, and who has also given this servant land for cultivation. Now if the servant refuses to till this land and instead allows it to remain uncultivated, useless and dormant, and furthermore, if he also carelessly destroys the seeds, it is clear then that this servant will become an object of wrath by the landowner. Similarly God has created man and woman with the wherewithal to produce and raise children. The uterus is the fertile field and both the male and female organs are the tools for cultivation. He also created sexual passion in both the male and female for the bearing of children through the use of these organs. This is proof of God's design. The Prophet has clearly substantiated this when he said "Marry and keep a family". He who does not marry, destroys these seeds and allows these tools to lie useless and dormant and he thereby goes against God's wishes. Infanticide has also been prohibited by God for this reason.
From Muhtar Holland's Translation: [Pages 17 & 18 ]
If the sole motive for marriage were to ward off lust, the plague-stricken Mu'adh would hardly have cried: "Find me a wife, lest I meet Allah as a celibate!" You might perhaps object: "Surely Mu'adh had no expectation of children at that moment, so how do you explain his desire for marriage?" but to this I would reply as follows: The child is produced by sexual intercourse. Intercourse is brought about by the prompting of sexual appetite, which is an involuntary impulse. The only voluntary contribution a man can make is to procure the stimulus to sexual desire, and this can normally be anticipated. One who has contracted a marriage has therefore performed his duty and done what he had to do; the rest is beyond his own volition.
That is why marriage is recommended even for the impotent, for the stirring of desire is hidden and not susceptible to observation. Indeed, the recommendation to marry extends even to the totally castrated person who can never expect children, in much the same way as a bald man is recommended to pass the razor across his pate as others do (on Pilgrimage), following the example of the righteous ancestors. In the same vein, the practices known as ramal and idtiba are still recommended during the Pilgrimage. The original purpose of these was to demonstrate stamina in the face of the unbelievers, the imitation of this display of fortitude became the model conduct for later generations.
Such are the considerations in forming their severe disapproval of abstinence from marriage, even in cases were sexual appetite is enfeebled. [end of Muhtar Holland's translation]
(2) The second benefit of marriage
The second benefit of marriage is to be safe from the machinations of the devil and to satisfy lust and hence protect the private parts. The Prophet said: "If a man marries, half of his religion is saved. Fear God for the remaining half." The Prophet said: "Whoever among you is able to marry, should marry, and whoever is not able to marry, is recommended to fast, for fasting diminishes his sexual power." The pleasure which lies within sexual intercourse is an example of happiness in the afterlife. There is no benefit derived from a thing in which there is no pleasure.
(3) The third benefit of marriage
Marriage brings peace of mind as love grows between the couple. Peace of mind is necessary for divine service. God says: "It is He Who has created you from a single person, and He has created from him his wife, in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her." Hazrat Ali said: "Give peace to the mind because it becomes blind when it becomes disturbed." There is a Hadith which says that there are three special times for a wise man: - he speaks secretly with his Lord at one time, he takes account of his actions at another time, and he occupies himself with food and drink at another time. In another narration, a wise man is not desirous except in three matters: to earn his livelihood for the next world, to earn his livelihood for this world, and to taste the pleasure of lawful things. The Prophet said: "There is effort in every action and there is struggle in every effort. He who adopts struggle goes towards my Sunnah and guidance. The Prophet said: Upon complaint to Gabriel about the lessening of my sexual passion, he advised me to take Harisah. The Prophet said: Three things are dear to me among earthly matters - perfume, woman and prayer, the latter is coolness to my eyes. This comfort is necessary for peace of mind.
From Muhtar Holland's translation: [Pages 20-22 . . . Conclusion]
He who obeys his master out of the desire to please Him is not the same as one who obeys merely in quest of deliverance from the perils of this agency.
Passion and procreation are both divinely ordained, and there is a link between the two. It would be wrong to say that the purpose is pleasure and the child is a necessary by-product (as, for instance, relieving oneself is a necessary consequence of eating, but not an end in itself.) No, the begetting of children is the aim of nature and the divine Wisdom, while sexual appetite is merely an incentive thereto.
By my life, there is in sexual appetite yet another dispensation, apart from the impetus to procreate, namely the joy experienced in satisfying it. If only that delight were lasting, it would be unparalleled by any other joy. It gives a foretaste of the delights we are promised in Paradise, for the prospect of a bliss we had never tasted would fail to impress. The prospect of sexual intercourse would hardly stimulate the impotent, nor would the pleasures of kingship and dominion serve to excite the interest of the very young. One advantage of worldly pleasures is that the hope of enjoying them permanently in Paradise can act as a spur to the worship of Allah.
Consider this Wisdom, this Mercy, this divine Providence! See how two lives derive benefit through this one appetite: an outer life and an inner life. The outer life is the life a man leads through the continuance of his line, which constitutes a kind of survival, while the inner life is the Otherworldly life. The bliss [of sexual satisfaction], deficient because it is so ephemeral, thus stimulates a desire for perfect bliss, for bliss everlasting, and serves as an incentive to the worship which lead to its attainment. Desiring this so ardently, the creature finds it easier to persevere in the course that will bring him to such felicity in Paradise.
Relaxation and recreation for the soul [pg. 27 Muhtar Holland's Translation]
This [third benefit of marriage] is obtained by enjoying the company and sight of one's wife, and by shared amusement, whereby the heart is refreshed and strengthened in worship; for the lower self (nafs) is prone to boredom and inclined to shun duty as something unnatural to it. If constrained to persevere in something repugnant, it jibes and backs away, whereas if revived occasionally by pleasures it acquires new strength and vigor. In familiarity with women, one finds the relaxation to banish cares and to refresh the heart.
The souls of the pious need legitimate recreation, which is why the Exalted One said:
"That he may rest with her." [Qur'an 7:189]
[end of Muhtar Holland's translation]
Sexual etiquette in marriage
At the beginning of sexual intercourse, pronounce the name of God by reciting "Bismillah" and recite the Takbir and Tahlil after Chapter Ikhlas and say 'O God, if Thou takest out semen from my back, make it a good issue.' The Prophet said: 'In the name of Allah. O Allah! Protect us from Satan and also protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. the coming offspring) from Satan, and if it is destined that they should have a child then, Satan will never be able to harm that offspring." The result is that the devil will not be able to injure a child that is born from this intercourse.
Don't face the Ka'bah at the time of intercourse and cover your body and the body of your wife. The Prophet used to cover his head, close his mouth and say to his wife, 'Take peace.' There is a Hadith which says: When anyone of you comes to his wife, let him not fall suddenly upon her, but let him speak words of love to her and then kiss each other. The Prophet said: Let none of you fall suddenly upon his wife like a lower animal. Let him send the Envoy before cohabitation. Someone asked 'What is the Envoy O Prophet?' He said, 'kisses and words of love.' The Prophet said: In three matters, the weakness of a male is disclosed. Firstly if a lover meets his beloved, and then they separate without enquiring into their mutual condition and health; secondly, rejecting the honour which someone wishes to pay him [i.e., by rejecting a gift which was offered]; thirdly to engage in sexual intercourse with the wife or the female who is legally permitted, without talking to her or kissing her or by being unable to restrain the ejaculation of semen before that of his wife.
It is not commendable to cohabit with the wife on the first, middle and last days of the lunar month. It is commendable to cohabit on a Friday evening. After ejaculation, the husband should let his body lay some time upon his wife until she climaxes, as she is slower to climax. It is painful for her to be separated from her husband once her sexual passion has been aroused.
A young husband should enjoy sexual intercourse with his wife once every four days. To preserve the character of the wife, this may be increased or decreased. Sexual intercourse with the wife at the time of her menstruation is unlawful. However, it is lawful to enjoy her without sexual intercourse e.g. enjoy the region beneath the petticoat, or if there be such a need, even use the wife's hand for his ejaculation and stop short of actual copulation [in Arabic terminology, this is known as jima' bil yad, which means 'intercourse by hand.'] God says: "Your wives are a tilth unto you; so go to your tilth when and how you will." A man may keep company with his wife during her menstrual period for eating, resting/sleeping [without copulation] or other purposes. He is not obliged to avoid her.
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Appendix D
An excerpt from "Introduction to Islam" by Dr. M. Hamidullah
108. Speaking of a strictly temporal act, such as a tax or a war, one pays taxes to the government. It should not be astonishing that Islam considers this act as one of the five basic elements of Faith, as important as belief, worship, fasting and pilgrimage! The significance is deep: One unites the spiritual and the temporal in a single whole, and one pays the tax not as a corvee or even as a social duty, but solely for the sake of God. When this duty of paying taxes becomes fixed in the mind as something sacred, a duty unto God from Whom nothing can be concealed and Who is, moreover, capable of resuscitating us and demanding our account, one can easily understand with what care and scruple a believer will pay his dues in the performance of this obligation. Similarly, ware is forbidden in Islam except in the way of God; and it is not difficult to understand that such a soldier is more apt to be humane and will not seek any earthly gain in the course of risking his life. By spiritualizing the temporal duties, Islam has had no other motives but strengthening the spiritual side of man, who in, this manner, far from seeking the material advantage of the material thing, aspires thereby to obtain only the pleasure of God. The Prophet has said: Ostentation is a sort of polytheism (shirk); and the reason as explained by Al-Ghazzali, is the following: if somebody worships or fasts for ostentation, it is shirk (polytheism), a worship of one's self, not of God Almighty; on the contrary, if one even cohabits with one's own wife - not for the carnal pleasure, but for performing the duty imposed by God, then that is an act of piety and devotion, meriting the pleasure of and reward from God, as the Prophet has observed (cf. Ibn Hanbal, V, 154, 167, 187, etc.)
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Endnotes
1. p.b.u.h. is the short form for "peace be upon him" which is an expression used by Muslims to indicate reverence towards the holy Prophet Muhammad.
2. The tomb of the Prophet Zakariya alaihi-salam (may Allah be pleased with him), is located in the great Omayyad Mosque in Aleppo which is a city in northern Syria.. Click here to see a picture of this mosque.
3. From "The Sayings of Muhammad" by Allama Sir Abdullah Al-Mamun Al-Suhrawardy, pg 41. Charles E. Tuttle Company, Boston 1992.
4. Ibid, pg. 42
5. 'The Proper Conduct of Marriage in Islam' (Chapter Adab-an-Nikah) from Book 12 of Ihya'ulum ad-din by Imam al-Ghazzali. This is an English translation from the original Arabic by Muhtar Holland and published byAl-Baz Publishing Inc.
by Syed Mumtaz Ali & Rabia Mills
In the Islamic faith, the first and the foremost and the most reliable and highest form of religious law for faithful Muslims is contained within the holy Qur'an. The Prophetic Traditions (also known as Hadith, which are the sayings and doings and tacit approval of things said or done in the presence of the Prophet Muhammad, p.b.u.h.)(1) are a second source of law. With that said, we hope the following reply will answer your question.
According to Islam, procreation is not the sole and only purpose of marriage. While procreation is a primary purpose, companionship and enjoyment of the spouse along with avoidance of unlawful or sinful relationships are also secondary purposes. These secondary purposes play their own important roles in the Islamic teachings which govern sexual relations. In other words, although procreation is definitely an aim, it is not an exclusive aim. Procreation is the major purpose, but nonetheless enjoyment and other purposes also play significant roles in married life as evidenced by the Islamic teachings which relate to sexual relations.
Although the primary purpose of sex is procreation, the Qur'an does not forbid it when a woman reaches menopause. For example, in the Qur'an is the story is about the Prophet Zakariya a.s.(2) (Christian spelling -- Zakaria) [see Qur'an 19:1-15] who had fathered a child well into his old age. One verse in particular reads:
"He [Zakariya] said: "O my Lord! How shall I have a son, when my wife is barren and I have grown quite decrepit from old age?" [Qur'an 19:8]
"He said: "So (it will be): thy Lord saith, "That is easy for Me: I did indeed create thee before, when thou hadst been nothing!" [Qur'an 19:9]
The Qur'anic reference above, then, shows the case of a couple carrying on sexual relations well into old age. This in turn signifies that these relations are allowed within marriage and into old age for Muslim couples.
You will recall that this same story is found in the Old Testament with reference to Zakaria a.s. who was made to be mute for three days and nights as a sign from God.
In this connection, it is interesting to note that even in our relatively recent times, history has recorded the fact that the great Sufi Shaikh, Abdul Qadir Gilani r.a., was born on the 1st day of Ramadan 470 A.H [some historians say 471 A.H] which corresponds to March 18, 1078 A.D. His mother was 60 years of age at the time of his birth.
In terms of the Traditions of the Prophet Muhammad, p.b.u.h. we can see another meaningful example of this in the life of the Prophet. The Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h. married his first wife (Khadija aged 40) when he was 25 years old, and he remained monogamous throughout his entire 26 years of marriage to her. He then married A'isha at the age of 54, but this was three years after the death of Khadija. It was after this marriage that he then took other wives. By the way, many non-Muslim writers have directed a great deal of unjust criticism against him for this. In fact all of these women were quite old or were widows who had been left destitute and without protection during those troubled times. And so as the head of State at Medina, the only proper way (according to Arab code) in which Muhammad p.b.u.h. could extend both protection and maintenance to them was by marriage.(3) [see also Appendix A] Those marriages were not only consummated, but ancillary sexual relations have also been reported to us through the Hadith literature. Hence another proof that sexual relations are considered acceptable well into old age. "Polygamy was not always considered to be so reprehensible as it is now. For example, St. Augustine himself observed that there was no intrinsic immorality or sinfulness in it, and declared that polygamy was not a crime where it was the legal institution of a country."(4) This subject matter, however, is another topic altogether. [see also Appendix B]
We have reproduced an excerpt on our website by Dr. M.A. Rauf from his book 'Marriage in Islam'. In this excerpt, Dr. Rauf discusses in great detail the advantages and possible disadvantages of marriage. Among the advantages that he discusses are procreation, fulfilment of the natural urge, companionship, comfort and relief to the soul, and so on. He also discusses the disadvantages and the types of burdens and risks involved with marriage. All of the advantages or benefits are in effect meant to be regarded as the secondary purpose of marriage which supplement its major aim or purpose, namely procreation. We would highly recommend that you read this excerpt for a more complete understanding of our present response to you.
With regards to your question regarding menopause, we would also strongly suggest that you read the book "The Proper Conduct of Marriage in Islam" by Imam al-Ghazzali. (5) [see also Appendix C] We would particularly refer you to where al-Ghazzali explains the rationale and reasoning for the recommendation of marriage - even for the impotent. In his Conclusion, al-Ghazzali discusses the other purposes of marriage and that is to fulfil the natural sexual desires as well as to experience its joy and protection from the perils of lust.
If one cohabits with one's own wife -- not for carnal pleasure alone, but for performing the duty imposed by God -- it would be an act of piety and devotion, meriting the pleasure and reward from God and this is as the Prophet p.b.u.h. has observed. This is what has been described as spiritualizing temporal duties. [see also Appendix D] You might also refer to where Imam al-Ghazzali discusses the subject of relaxation and recreation for the soul and so on.
Islam also prescribes certain rules of sexual etiquette. Imam al-Ghazzali also sets out the PropheticTraditions which deal with the pleasures of 'foreplay' and other similar enjoyments that are permitted when the wife is menstruating. Not permitted, however, is to go so far as to copulate by means of penetration into the vagina during menstruation.
Islam has declared fornication (which by definition in Islam includes adultery) unlawful, and it goes to great lengths to make it repugnant by sanction and deterrent. It has even gone so far as to make any alliances of this type of unlawful sexual relationship a heinous sin and an odious offence. In other words, sexual relations of any kind, that fall outside of lawful marriage, are absolutely forbidden. For example:
"Nor come nigh to adultery for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils)." [Qur'an 17:32]
"The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication - flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day. And let a party of the Believers witness their punishment." [Qur'an 24:2]
"Those who bring the charge of adultery against chaste women but cannot produce four witnesses to prove the charge, give them 80 lashes and their testimony should never be believed." [Qur'an 24:4]
Four Prophetic Traditions [Hadith]:
1. "Said the Prophet: 'A grievously heinous sin in the estimation of God is to commit adultery with a woman living in one's neighbourhood'" [Bukhari & Muslim]
2. " He or she who casts a lewd glance at another and allows himself or herself to be attracted likewise, both meet the displeasure of God." [Dailami]
3. "There is nothing which God abhors more than adultery."
4. "Observed the Prophet: 'Whenever a calamity befalls a centre of population, take it for granted that immorality is rampant in that place.' [Dailami]
More Qur'anic quotes and Hadith:
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." [Qur'an 30:21]
"And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." [Qur'an 25:74]
"Your wives are a tilth unto you; so go to your tilth when or how you will." [Qur'an 2:223]
Hadith: "Narrated Abdullah Ibn Abbas: Ibn Umar misunderstood (the Qur'anic verse, "So come to your tilth however you will") - may Allah forgive him. The fact is that this clan of the Ansar, who were idolaters, lived in the company of the Jews who were the people of the Book. They (the Ansar) accepted their superiority over themselves in respect of knowledge and the followed most of their actions. The people of the Book (i.e., the Jews) used to have intercourse with their women on one side alone (i.e., lying on their backs). This was the most concealing position for (the vagina of) the women. This clan of the Ansar adopted this practice from them. But this tribe of the Quraysh used to uncover their women completely, and seek pleasure with them from in front and behind and laying them on their backs.
When the muhajirun (the immigrants) came to Medina, a man married a woman of the Ansar. He began to do the same kind of action with her, but she disliked it, and said to him: We were approached on one side (i.e. lying on the back); do it so, otherwise keep away from me. The matter of theirs spread widely and it reached the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him).
So Allah, the Exalted, sent down the Qur'anic verse: "Your wives are a tilth to you, so come to your tilth however you will," i.e., from in front, from behind or lying on the back. But this verse meant the place of the delivery of the child, i.e., the vagina." [from the Hadith literature: Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Number 2159]
"Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments." [Qur'an 2:187]
"It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and (then) He has created from him his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her . . ." [Qur'an 7:189]
"And Allah has made for you mates (and companions) of your own nature, and made for you, out of them, sons and daughters and grandchildren, and provided for you sustenance of the best: will they then believe in vain things, and be ungrateful for Allah's favours?" [Qur'an 16:72]
Hadith: On the authority of Abu Dharr : Some of the companions of the messenger of Allah said :" O Messenger of Allah, the affluent have made off with the rewards, they pray as we pray they fast as we fast, and they give away in charity the superfluity of their wealth." He said:" Has not Allah made things for you to give away in charity ? Every tasbihah is a charity, every takbirah is a charity, every tahmidah is a charity, and every tahlilah is a charity, to enjoin a good action is a charity, to forbid an evil action is a charity, and in the sexual act of each of you there is a charity." They said: "O Messenger of Allah, when one of us fulfils his sexual desire will he have some reward for that?" He said: "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully he would be sinning ? Likewise, if he has acted upon it lawfully he will have a reward." [Muslim]
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Appendix A
From "Life of Muhammad" by A.H. Hamid Siddiqui. Hilal Publications, Calcutta 1981. Pages 243-247.
Marriages of the Holy Prophet
"He was hardly twenty-five years of age when he married Khadijah, who was fifteen years older than himself. It was with her and her alone that he passed all the years of his youth and manhood until she died three years before Hijra, when he was already a man of fifty. After the sad demise of Khadijah, he again went in for a widow, this time a helpless one in great distress. She was one of the earliest converts to Islam who had suffered many hardships for the cause of Truth.
The Holy Prophet married A'ishah, the daughter of his devoted friend Abu Bakr. She was the only virgin wife of Muhammad (peace be upon him).
Events took a very serious turn in Medina. The enmity of the Quraysh resulted in armed battles in which so many of the noble Muslims fell as martyrs. It was, therefore, the bounden duty of the Holy Prophet and his companions to alleviate the sufferings of the widows and the orphans who had been deprived of their husbands and fathers. Muhammad (peace be upon him) undertook the major burden on himself and married Hafsa, daughter of 'Umar, whose husband had died in the battle of Badr. It was on this ground of clemency and compassion that the Holy Prophet married Zaynab, the daughter of Khuzaimah, who had been deprived of her husband in Uhud. Her parents were non-Muslims living in Mecca and after the martyrdom of her husband, there was none to take care of her. The next lady to enter the hospitable household of the Holy Prophet was Umm Salamah whose husband had received fatal injuries in the battle of Uhud and died leaving behind a pregnant widow and a daughter. The Prophet was moved by her pitiable condition and honoured her by taking her as his wife. The events relating to the marriage of Zaynab bint Jahsh have been discussed in great detail in the foregoing pages and it has been established that this marriage was governed by some important social considerations, i.e. to obliterate the customs of adoptive affinity and also to remove the false notion then prevalent in society that the divorce of a noble lady by a freed slave undermined her prestige.
Besides these widows of his faithful followers, whom it fell to his lot to take under his protection and share their sufferings and sorrows, the Holy Prophet also took three widows of his enemies in marriage. The entry of these three ladies, Juwayriyah, Maymuna and Safiyyah (may Allah be pleased with them) in the house of the Holy Prophet, became the means whereby relations with various tribes were cemented and this is how hostilities came to an end.
It is quite evident that the marriages of the Holy Prophet were governed mainly by the feeling of compassion for the widows of his faithful followers, who had no means to fall back upon after they were bereft of the love and care of their husbands. This fact has been acknowledged even by the critics of the Prophet. "It would be remembered, however," says Bosworth Smith, "that most of Muhammad's marriages may be explained, at least, as much by his pity for the forlorn condition of the persons concerned, as by other motives."
Other marriages were contacted from the motives of policy, in order to conciliate the heads of rival factions.
Then there was also one more consideration, in no way less important than those discussed earlier, which led to these marriages. Muhammad (peace be upon him) was the bearer of God's message not only for men, but also for women. The womenfolk needed the prophetic guidance, training and instruction in the same way as the males. The Holy Prophet was fully cognizant of the need of Muslim society. He had, therefore, in the best interest of the Ummah, endeavored to create a new leadership amongst women, which, like its counterpart amongst men could, by precept and example, help the formation of a new type of womanhood representing the teachings of Islam. How could this objective be achieved without first preparing the most perfect specimen of Muslim womanhood. The Holy Prophet allowed some women, belonging to different social groups, having different tastes and tendencies and different intellectual standards to enter his household as his wives and then by his close personal contact, nurture and train their God-given faculties so perfectly in accordance with the teachings of Islam that they could serve as pillars of light not only for the womenfolk of the Islamic commonwealth, but for the whole of womankind. One or two woman could not undertake this heavy responsibility. A whole group was required to meet this need.
Moreover, there is a good deal of difference in the nature of training essential for male and female. Man's life is dominated by social activities, whereas the natural sphere of woman's work is primarily her home. It is the wife alone who shares with the husband even the most secret affairs of life. The Holy Prophet could not prepare the specimen of Islamic womanhood unless he allowed some ladies to enter the innermost chambers of his domestic life. In view of the teachings of Islam, with regard to seclusion of sexes, only the noble wives of the Holy Prophet could be accommodated on this plane and mankind owes a deep debt of gratitude to these noble ladies that they communicated to us most faithfully, the sacred account of the Prophet's private life, which, like his public career, had so many facets and has been made a model pattern for the believers, both men and women. The injunction of the Qur'an: 'Verily in the Apostle of Allah, you have the best example' (33:2) covers not only one aspect of his sacred life, but his whole life . It was with a view to achieving this objective, i.e., the authentic transmission of the Prophet's home life to the people that a few noble ladies were made to enter his house as his wives.
The Qur'anic verse: 'It is not allowed to take wives after this, nor to change them for others (33:52) implies that the Holy Prophet, like all his other acts, contacted those marriages perfectly in accordance with the will of the Lord. There was a divine purpose behind them and when it was achieved, a restriction was place upon him.
That the Prophet married these ladies as a religious necessity can well be judged from the fact that he spent his youth in the company of one wife, Khadijah only. At the age of forty he was commissioned as a Prophet, and during the first twelve years of his prophethood, when he had only to instil in the minds of the people the fundamentals of faith, i.e., Oneness of God, apostlehood of Muhammad, life after death, he did not feel the necessity of marrying any other lady. After the death of Khadijah, he married Sawda, a widow of advanced age. But with the migration to Medina when Islamic society was established, the Muslims were required to conform their social and personal behaviour to the teachings of Islam, revelations for practical guidance in all walks of life came from Allah. These had to be explained by the life example of the holy Prophet. There was not one problem, but numerous problems concerning all phases of life that needed solving at every step. How the holy Prophet solved them must be made known to the people as it is also an integral part of the faith for 'he does not speak of his own desire' (Qur'an 53:3) It is God who speaks through him in whatever he utters by way of spiritual guidance or practical legislation. Now, whatever the Holy Prophet said or did in public could easily be conveyed to the other people for their guidance. But what about his private life which was equally important and divinely inspired and had to serve as an example for the Believers? It is through the noble wives of the holy Prophet that the Muslims learnt the teachings of Islam in their personal concerns. It was not an ordinary work, but an important task of vast magnitude which was admirably accomplished by these pious ladies. (Allah be pleased with them). How can these facts be justifiably ignored in the matter of Muhammad's marriages?
It is strange indeed that the western critics of Islam and of the holy Prophet in their sordid endeavors to malign Muhammad (peace be upon him) close their eyes to all those illuminating facts which prove that his was a life of perfect sublimity and single-minded devotion to Allah, absolutely free from the taint of base desires. It is narrated on the authority of Jabir b. 'Abd Allah that Abu Jahl and some of the chiefs of the Quraysh approached the holy Prophet and said:
" If you are anxious for leadership, we are prepared to declare you our leader, if you need riches, we would collect for you an enormous amount of wealth that will suffice not only for you but even for your descendants; if you are impelled by sexual urge, you may choose ten beautiful damsels out of the whole tribe of Quraysh. The holy Prophet kept silent and did not utter a word. When their talks concluded, the holy Prophet recited the following verse of the Qur'an:
Ha Mim! A revelation from the Beneficent, the Merciful; A Book of which the verses are made plain, an Arabic Qur'an for people who know and the bearer of glad tidings and a warner: Yet most of them turn aside so that they hearken not. [Qur'an 41:4-4]
The holy Prophet recited these verses of the Qur'an and concluded them with the following verse:
Then if they still turn away, say thou: I warn you of calamity of the 'Ad and Thamud. [Qur'an 51: 13]
Even this single event is enough to prove Muhammad's immense love for Allah, his devotion to his sacred mission and the insignificance in his eyes the worldly pleasures. Allurement could not distract him, even for a moment, form the noble cause for which he stood and suffered all kinds of hardships and privations. No opportunity could be more attractive than that this offered by the chiefs of Quraysh for the satisfaction of sensuous pleasures, if he were so inclined."
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Appendix B
Excerpt from: "Introduction to Islam" by Dr. M. Hamidullah
402. It is true that Islam permits polygamy, but on this point Muslim law is more elastic and more in harmony with the requirements of society than the other systems of law which do not permit polygamy in any case. Supposing there is a case in which a woman has young children, and falls chronically ill, becoming incapable of doing the household work. The husband has no means of employing a maid-servant for the purpose, not to speak of the natural requirements of conjugal life. Supposing also that the sick woman gives her consent to her husband to take a second wife, and that a woman is found who agrees to marry the individual in question. Western law would rather permit immorality than a legal marriage to bring happiness to this afflicted home.
403. In fact, Muslim law is nearer to reason. For, it admits polygamy when a woman herself consents to such a kind of life. The law does not impose polygamy, but only permits it in certain cases. We have just remarked that it depends solely on the agreement of the woman. This is true of the first wife as well as the second one in prospect. It goes without saying that the second woman may refuse to marry a man who has already one wife; we have seen that no one can force a woman to enter into a marriage tie without her own consent. If the woman agrees to be a "co-wife" it is not the law which should be considered as cruel and unjust with regard to women and as favouring only men. As to the first wife, the act of polygamy depends on her. For, at the time of her marriage, she may demand the acceptance and insertion, in the document of the nuptial contract, or the clause that her husband would practise monogamy. Such a condition is as valid as any other condition of a legal contract. If a woman does not want to utilize this right of hers, it is not legislation which would oblige her to do that. We have just spoken of exceptional cases; and the law must have possible remedies. Polygamy is not the rule, but an exception; and this exception has multifarious advantages, social as well as other - the details would be burdensome here - and Islamic law need not be shy of this elasticity.
404. In the religious law of antiquity, there is no restriction to the number of wives a man may have. All the Biblical prophets were polygamous. Even in Christianity which has become synonymous with monogamy, Jesus Christ himself never uttered a word against polygamy; on the other hand, there are eminent Christian theologians, like Luther, Malanchthon, Bucer, etc., who would not hesitate to deduce the legality of polygamy from the parable of the virgins spoken of in the Gospel of Matthew (25:1-12) for Jesus Christ envisages there the possibility of the marriage of one man with as many as ten girls simultaneously. If the Christians do not want to profit by the permissions (which the founder of their religion seems to have given them), the law is not changed for all that. This is true of the Muslims also, whose law is moreover the only one in history which expressly limits the maximum permissible number of polygamous wives. (For Christian theory and practice, as well as for general discussion, cf. also Encyclopedia Britannica, under the articles, Marriage, and Polygamy; Westermarck, History of Human Marriage, 3 Vols.)
***
In a delightful report about how Imam Abu Hanifah received his name (his original name was Numan bin Thaabit bin Zuta bin Mah), an account of why the wife is forbidden to take more than one husband is recounted. 'Abu Hanifah' is an unusual name because it means 'the father of Hanifah', and Hanifah was his daughter. It was not the custom in those days to do this. Normally, the name would be 'the father of the name of a son.'How this came about is quite edifying. One day the great Imam Abu Hanifah was asked a question that, for the first time in his illustrious career, he was unable to answer. The question was, "Why were women forbidden to marry more than one husband at a time?" To make a long story short, Abu Hanifah's daughter said that she knew the answer and would solve this question if her father would make a promise to her that if she succeeded in solving this problem, he would then assure her a place in history. Abu Hanifah agreed. So she gathered a group of women together and gave each of them a cup. Then she brought in a large bowl of milk and asked each of them to dip their cups in the milk and to fill their cups. They did so. She then asked them to pour back the milk into the bowl. They did this too. She then asked them to re-fill their cups taking back only their own milk that they had poured into the bowl. This, obviously, was impossible to do. Hanifah had clearly demonstrated the kind of predicament that would be created if a woman had several husbands. With more than one husband, if she were to become pregnant, she would have exceptional difficulties determining who the actual father was. Identifying parentage and lineage would then be insurmountable for the offspring. Imam Abu Hanifah was so pleased with her answer that he took the name 'Abu Hanifah', 'the father of Hanifah', so his daughter did indeed earn a place in history.
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Appendix C
This is a grammatically edited excerpt from the chapter 'Adab an-Nikah' from Imam Ghazzali's 'Ihya Ulum-id-din' translated by Fazlul-Karim. Also blended with this translation is an excerpt from 'The Proper Conduct of Marriage in Islam' and this is a translation of the same chapter by Muhtar Holland.
Benefits of marriage
There are five benefits: (1) to beget children, (2) to control sexual urges, (3) to obtain peace of mind, (4) to increase divine service, and (5) to gain rewards for duties to family. [Item (4) and (5) are not dealt with in this Appendix.]
(1) To beget children. This is the main purpose for marriage. The aim is to engender and preserve the human race. Four objectives are accomplished through procreation: - (i) to increase mankind (ii) Islam is propagated by increasing the number of followers of the Prophet, p.b.u.h. (iii) parents will hope to leave behind children who will pray for them (iv) and if a child dies before the parents, the prayers of the child in Paradise will be very beneficial for the parents.
The first objective is very subtle and not easily comprehended by man. It is a natural truth and the following is its proof. Take for example a landowner who has generously given a servant a large amount of seed and the tools for cultivation, and who has also given this servant land for cultivation. Now if the servant refuses to till this land and instead allows it to remain uncultivated, useless and dormant, and furthermore, if he also carelessly destroys the seeds, it is clear then that this servant will become an object of wrath by the landowner. Similarly God has created man and woman with the wherewithal to produce and raise children. The uterus is the fertile field and both the male and female organs are the tools for cultivation. He also created sexual passion in both the male and female for the bearing of children through the use of these organs. This is proof of God's design. The Prophet has clearly substantiated this when he said "Marry and keep a family". He who does not marry, destroys these seeds and allows these tools to lie useless and dormant and he thereby goes against God's wishes. Infanticide has also been prohibited by God for this reason.
From Muhtar Holland's Translation: [Pages 17 & 18 ]
If the sole motive for marriage were to ward off lust, the plague-stricken Mu'adh would hardly have cried: "Find me a wife, lest I meet Allah as a celibate!" You might perhaps object: "Surely Mu'adh had no expectation of children at that moment, so how do you explain his desire for marriage?" but to this I would reply as follows: The child is produced by sexual intercourse. Intercourse is brought about by the prompting of sexual appetite, which is an involuntary impulse. The only voluntary contribution a man can make is to procure the stimulus to sexual desire, and this can normally be anticipated. One who has contracted a marriage has therefore performed his duty and done what he had to do; the rest is beyond his own volition.
That is why marriage is recommended even for the impotent, for the stirring of desire is hidden and not susceptible to observation. Indeed, the recommendation to marry extends even to the totally castrated person who can never expect children, in much the same way as a bald man is recommended to pass the razor across his pate as others do (on Pilgrimage), following the example of the righteous ancestors. In the same vein, the practices known as ramal and idtiba are still recommended during the Pilgrimage. The original purpose of these was to demonstrate stamina in the face of the unbelievers, the imitation of this display of fortitude became the model conduct for later generations.
Such are the considerations in forming their severe disapproval of abstinence from marriage, even in cases were sexual appetite is enfeebled. [end of Muhtar Holland's translation]
(2) The second benefit of marriage
The second benefit of marriage is to be safe from the machinations of the devil and to satisfy lust and hence protect the private parts. The Prophet said: "If a man marries, half of his religion is saved. Fear God for the remaining half." The Prophet said: "Whoever among you is able to marry, should marry, and whoever is not able to marry, is recommended to fast, for fasting diminishes his sexual power." The pleasure which lies within sexual intercourse is an example of happiness in the afterlife. There is no benefit derived from a thing in which there is no pleasure.
(3) The third benefit of marriage
Marriage brings peace of mind as love grows between the couple. Peace of mind is necessary for divine service. God says: "It is He Who has created you from a single person, and He has created from him his wife, in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her." Hazrat Ali said: "Give peace to the mind because it becomes blind when it becomes disturbed." There is a Hadith which says that there are three special times for a wise man: - he speaks secretly with his Lord at one time, he takes account of his actions at another time, and he occupies himself with food and drink at another time. In another narration, a wise man is not desirous except in three matters: to earn his livelihood for the next world, to earn his livelihood for this world, and to taste the pleasure of lawful things. The Prophet said: "There is effort in every action and there is struggle in every effort. He who adopts struggle goes towards my Sunnah and guidance. The Prophet said: Upon complaint to Gabriel about the lessening of my sexual passion, he advised me to take Harisah. The Prophet said: Three things are dear to me among earthly matters - perfume, woman and prayer, the latter is coolness to my eyes. This comfort is necessary for peace of mind.
From Muhtar Holland's translation: [Pages 20-22 . . . Conclusion]
He who obeys his master out of the desire to please Him is not the same as one who obeys merely in quest of deliverance from the perils of this agency.
Passion and procreation are both divinely ordained, and there is a link between the two. It would be wrong to say that the purpose is pleasure and the child is a necessary by-product (as, for instance, relieving oneself is a necessary consequence of eating, but not an end in itself.) No, the begetting of children is the aim of nature and the divine Wisdom, while sexual appetite is merely an incentive thereto.
By my life, there is in sexual appetite yet another dispensation, apart from the impetus to procreate, namely the joy experienced in satisfying it. If only that delight were lasting, it would be unparalleled by any other joy. It gives a foretaste of the delights we are promised in Paradise, for the prospect of a bliss we had never tasted would fail to impress. The prospect of sexual intercourse would hardly stimulate the impotent, nor would the pleasures of kingship and dominion serve to excite the interest of the very young. One advantage of worldly pleasures is that the hope of enjoying them permanently in Paradise can act as a spur to the worship of Allah.
Consider this Wisdom, this Mercy, this divine Providence! See how two lives derive benefit through this one appetite: an outer life and an inner life. The outer life is the life a man leads through the continuance of his line, which constitutes a kind of survival, while the inner life is the Otherworldly life. The bliss [of sexual satisfaction], deficient because it is so ephemeral, thus stimulates a desire for perfect bliss, for bliss everlasting, and serves as an incentive to the worship which lead to its attainment. Desiring this so ardently, the creature finds it easier to persevere in the course that will bring him to such felicity in Paradise.
Relaxation and recreation for the soul [pg. 27 Muhtar Holland's Translation]
This [third benefit of marriage] is obtained by enjoying the company and sight of one's wife, and by shared amusement, whereby the heart is refreshed and strengthened in worship; for the lower self (nafs) is prone to boredom and inclined to shun duty as something unnatural to it. If constrained to persevere in something repugnant, it jibes and backs away, whereas if revived occasionally by pleasures it acquires new strength and vigor. In familiarity with women, one finds the relaxation to banish cares and to refresh the heart.
The souls of the pious need legitimate recreation, which is why the Exalted One said:
"That he may rest with her." [Qur'an 7:189]
[end of Muhtar Holland's translation]
Sexual etiquette in marriage
At the beginning of sexual intercourse, pronounce the name of God by reciting "Bismillah" and recite the Takbir and Tahlil after Chapter Ikhlas and say 'O God, if Thou takest out semen from my back, make it a good issue.' The Prophet said: 'In the name of Allah. O Allah! Protect us from Satan and also protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. the coming offspring) from Satan, and if it is destined that they should have a child then, Satan will never be able to harm that offspring." The result is that the devil will not be able to injure a child that is born from this intercourse.
Don't face the Ka'bah at the time of intercourse and cover your body and the body of your wife. The Prophet used to cover his head, close his mouth and say to his wife, 'Take peace.' There is a Hadith which says: When anyone of you comes to his wife, let him not fall suddenly upon her, but let him speak words of love to her and then kiss each other. The Prophet said: Let none of you fall suddenly upon his wife like a lower animal. Let him send the Envoy before cohabitation. Someone asked 'What is the Envoy O Prophet?' He said, 'kisses and words of love.' The Prophet said: In three matters, the weakness of a male is disclosed. Firstly if a lover meets his beloved, and then they separate without enquiring into their mutual condition and health; secondly, rejecting the honour which someone wishes to pay him [i.e., by rejecting a gift which was offered]; thirdly to engage in sexual intercourse with the wife or the female who is legally permitted, without talking to her or kissing her or by being unable to restrain the ejaculation of semen before that of his wife.
It is not commendable to cohabit with the wife on the first, middle and last days of the lunar month. It is commendable to cohabit on a Friday evening. After ejaculation, the husband should let his body lay some time upon his wife until she climaxes, as she is slower to climax. It is painful for her to be separated from her husband once her sexual passion has been aroused.
A young husband should enjoy sexual intercourse with his wife once every four days. To preserve the character of the wife, this may be increased or decreased. Sexual intercourse with the wife at the time of her menstruation is unlawful. However, it is lawful to enjoy her without sexual intercourse e.g. enjoy the region beneath the petticoat, or if there be such a need, even use the wife's hand for his ejaculation and stop short of actual copulation [in Arabic terminology, this is known as jima' bil yad, which means 'intercourse by hand.'] God says: "Your wives are a tilth unto you; so go to your tilth when and how you will." A man may keep company with his wife during her menstrual period for eating, resting/sleeping [without copulation] or other purposes. He is not obliged to avoid her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Appendix D
An excerpt from "Introduction to Islam" by Dr. M. Hamidullah
108. Speaking of a strictly temporal act, such as a tax or a war, one pays taxes to the government. It should not be astonishing that Islam considers this act as one of the five basic elements of Faith, as important as belief, worship, fasting and pilgrimage! The significance is deep: One unites the spiritual and the temporal in a single whole, and one pays the tax not as a corvee or even as a social duty, but solely for the sake of God. When this duty of paying taxes becomes fixed in the mind as something sacred, a duty unto God from Whom nothing can be concealed and Who is, moreover, capable of resuscitating us and demanding our account, one can easily understand with what care and scruple a believer will pay his dues in the performance of this obligation. Similarly, ware is forbidden in Islam except in the way of God; and it is not difficult to understand that such a soldier is more apt to be humane and will not seek any earthly gain in the course of risking his life. By spiritualizing the temporal duties, Islam has had no other motives but strengthening the spiritual side of man, who in, this manner, far from seeking the material advantage of the material thing, aspires thereby to obtain only the pleasure of God. The Prophet has said: Ostentation is a sort of polytheism (shirk); and the reason as explained by Al-Ghazzali, is the following: if somebody worships or fasts for ostentation, it is shirk (polytheism), a worship of one's self, not of God Almighty; on the contrary, if one even cohabits with one's own wife - not for the carnal pleasure, but for performing the duty imposed by God, then that is an act of piety and devotion, meriting the pleasure of and reward from God, as the Prophet has observed (cf. Ibn Hanbal, V, 154, 167, 187, etc.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Endnotes
1. p.b.u.h. is the short form for "peace be upon him" which is an expression used by Muslims to indicate reverence towards the holy Prophet Muhammad.
2. The tomb of the Prophet Zakariya alaihi-salam (may Allah be pleased with him), is located in the great Omayyad Mosque in Aleppo which is a city in northern Syria.. Click here to see a picture of this mosque.
3. From "The Sayings of Muhammad" by Allama Sir Abdullah Al-Mamun Al-Suhrawardy, pg 41. Charles E. Tuttle Company, Boston 1992.
4. Ibid, pg. 42
5. 'The Proper Conduct of Marriage in Islam' (Chapter Adab-an-Nikah) from Book 12 of Ihya'ulum ad-din by Imam al-Ghazzali. This is an English translation from the original Arabic by Muhtar Holland and published byAl-Baz Publishing Inc.
Sex and the married Muslim
Sex and the married Muslim
Sexpert to the Arab world Dr. Heba Kotb discusses female pleasure, halal sex and curing homosexuality.
By Tracy Clark-Flory
Dr. Heba Kotb
June 6, 2007 | Veiled by a hijab, Dr. Heba Kotb appears weekly on a hit Arab TV show called "The Big Talk" with a message for Muslims: Have more sex -- and hot sex -- in the name of Allah.
Kotb, the first licensed sexologist in Egypt, believes that sex is a gift Allah intended for humans; her divine mission is to make sure that they're enjoying it. Every week, viewers throughout the Muslim world flood her station with calls, hoping to have their most embarrassing and intimate questions answered on-air. All sorts of sexual queries are allowed, with one snag: Sexual relations outside of marriage are haram (prohibited by Islam) and not open to discussion. In fact, Kotb, a wife and mother of three, draws her sex advice directly from the Quran. According to her textual analysis, the Prophet Mohammed encouraged frequent sex and foreplay and decreed that female pleasure is, um, actually kind of important. She delivers these sexual dictates with the dryness of a doctor and the conviction of a fundamentalist, but she's also prone to jarring fits of laughter.
To the Western world -- where gray-haired sex educator Sue Johanson can be seen on TV simulating oral sex on six inches of silicone -- Kotb's call-in show would seem relatively quaint and her views on homosexuality downright regressive. But, to much of the Muslim world, the 39-year-old -- who appears fresh-faced and prim, save her heavily kohl-lined eyes -- is considered a radical liberal. Not surprisingly, though, her work has drawn the attention of extremist Islamic clerics: Sheik Youssef al-Badri declared that her work only "increases the number of sex perverts." But viewers were aching for a show like hers, she says, because sex education in Egypt is "nonexistent." In fact, it was while studying stateside to become a surgeon that Kotb discovered there was a world of sexual knowledge that had been withheld from her -- so she decided to take a dramatically different path and pursue a degree in clinical sexology. Years later she returned to Cairo and opened her own sex clinic; the demand for her services is so high that she's booked months in advance.
Kotb recently talked to Salon by phone from Cairo and explained why good sex is God's will, female masturbation is wrong and homosexuals are akin to alcoholics.
You've said you believe that by having more sex, married couples will please Allah. Why?
Whenever you have sex you get rewarded because you're avoiding the woman being prone to have sex outside of the marriage and vice versa. It's a way to please each other in our world and to please Allah.
Is the Quran concerned with female pleasure?
Yes, it is. The biggest chapter of the Quran is called "The Cow." There is a verse talking about the woman's rising pleasure. It's an order to the man to give the woman the right to have pleasure -- it orders the man to give the woman foreplay and also to get the wife to have sex repeatedly and to not wait for the woman to ask because sometimes she's too shy to ask.
You've blamed Egypt's high divorce rate on "bad sex." But why is the country stricken with "bad sex"?
I think that probably more than 80 percent of divorces in Egypt are from a lack of sex education. Sex is a taboo; it's not to be discussed or complained about. A lot of people didn't know that they could complain about sex.
Why is sex such a controversial topic in the Muslim world?
It's culture -- it's not Islam, whatsoever. Islam is a very liberal and progressive religion. It invites people to have sex, of course within the marital frame. Prophet Mohammed never showed any offense to anyone asking about sexuality. On the contrary, he responded to every single question. The thing is, the culture overwhelms this.
What do you think about the in-your-face American approach to sex and sexuality?
I'm totally against this. It's harmful -- sex loses its luster and its preciousness. God orders that sex remains precious, like a pearl -- it's not just for everyone. A balance has to be built: This is allowed, this is not allowed; this is halal, this is haram. Sex is one of the things that is forbidden before marriage and outside of marriage; on the other hand, it's allowed within marriage with a lot, a lot of freedom. This creates a balance. In the American approach everything is allowed -- you can have sex at any age, on any occasion.
Who do you think is having better sex -- Americans or Egyptians?
Well, I'm not a witness. [Laughs.] Believe it or not, I've been to several countries for various conferences and it's quite the same everywhere -- there are the same problems. I don't think one group is having better sex than the other, but there is great individual variation. Those who are open, clear with each other and confront the problems they are having are far ahead.
You have encouraged women to explore their bodies -- does that include masturbation?
The woman, by means of instinct, does not need masturbation. She's not like the man whatsoever. It's not a call of nature for her. So that's why I'm not very sympathetic with young women and girls choosing to masturbate. They're ruining their sexual future -- a woman has to remain blank until she gets married and by masturbating she's forming her sexuality.
What if a woman masturbates during marriage?
There's no need! If her husband is operative and they're having sex, there's no need.
As forward-thinking as you are in some respects, you're hardly a liberal by Western standards. What are your feelings on homosexuality?
[Laughs] Well, I have a very famous opinion about homosexuality. I'm totally against homosexuality being considered a gene or natural. It's a sin -- they're just like the alcoholics and the drug-takers. I'm also the reason for a lot of patients to have been cured -- so, no, I can't believe that it is natural.
So you've cured people of their homosexuality?
A lot, yes -- maybe over 30 or 40 now. They were extremely obedient and followed my instructions for a whole nine months to one year. Now these patients are married to women, have kids and desire women even on the level of daydreams and night dreams.
Has a caller on your show ever asked a question that made you blush?
I don't get embarrassed -- it's my job. In Islam, everything between a husband and wife is allowed sexually, except for two things: anal intercourse and intercourse during menstruation. One caller said she desired to be penetrated from behind. I got mad because this is a closed subject -- this is haram. Being asked this question on the air makes me uncomfortable about giving the answers. When I'm inside my own office, it's easier -- you don't have to watch what you say.
What kind of a response have you received to your show?
For me, the response was extremely positive from everyone. I've been told some people think of my show as being extremely revealing and that it's teaching people how to have sex and encouraging young men and women to have sex outside marriage. But I don't care about this argument, because it's not right.
What are your husband's feelings on your career?
He's busy too -- much more busy than I am. I'm blessed; if he were not, I would be living in a big problem. He has been extremely supportive all throughout my life. He used to be my colleague in college. We fell in love in our third year of school. He knows how important my work is to me and he knows that being supportive is the way to my heart. He's my first priority in my world -- he's my love, he's my sweetheart. Maybe that's why I'm giving good advice for spouses. Throughout our 15 years of marriage, I have never stopped loving him.
Sexpert to the Arab world Dr. Heba Kotb discusses female pleasure, halal sex and curing homosexuality.
By Tracy Clark-Flory
Dr. Heba Kotb
June 6, 2007 | Veiled by a hijab, Dr. Heba Kotb appears weekly on a hit Arab TV show called "The Big Talk" with a message for Muslims: Have more sex -- and hot sex -- in the name of Allah.
Kotb, the first licensed sexologist in Egypt, believes that sex is a gift Allah intended for humans; her divine mission is to make sure that they're enjoying it. Every week, viewers throughout the Muslim world flood her station with calls, hoping to have their most embarrassing and intimate questions answered on-air. All sorts of sexual queries are allowed, with one snag: Sexual relations outside of marriage are haram (prohibited by Islam) and not open to discussion. In fact, Kotb, a wife and mother of three, draws her sex advice directly from the Quran. According to her textual analysis, the Prophet Mohammed encouraged frequent sex and foreplay and decreed that female pleasure is, um, actually kind of important. She delivers these sexual dictates with the dryness of a doctor and the conviction of a fundamentalist, but she's also prone to jarring fits of laughter.
To the Western world -- where gray-haired sex educator Sue Johanson can be seen on TV simulating oral sex on six inches of silicone -- Kotb's call-in show would seem relatively quaint and her views on homosexuality downright regressive. But, to much of the Muslim world, the 39-year-old -- who appears fresh-faced and prim, save her heavily kohl-lined eyes -- is considered a radical liberal. Not surprisingly, though, her work has drawn the attention of extremist Islamic clerics: Sheik Youssef al-Badri declared that her work only "increases the number of sex perverts." But viewers were aching for a show like hers, she says, because sex education in Egypt is "nonexistent." In fact, it was while studying stateside to become a surgeon that Kotb discovered there was a world of sexual knowledge that had been withheld from her -- so she decided to take a dramatically different path and pursue a degree in clinical sexology. Years later she returned to Cairo and opened her own sex clinic; the demand for her services is so high that she's booked months in advance.
Kotb recently talked to Salon by phone from Cairo and explained why good sex is God's will, female masturbation is wrong and homosexuals are akin to alcoholics.
You've said you believe that by having more sex, married couples will please Allah. Why?
Whenever you have sex you get rewarded because you're avoiding the woman being prone to have sex outside of the marriage and vice versa. It's a way to please each other in our world and to please Allah.
Is the Quran concerned with female pleasure?
Yes, it is. The biggest chapter of the Quran is called "The Cow." There is a verse talking about the woman's rising pleasure. It's an order to the man to give the woman the right to have pleasure -- it orders the man to give the woman foreplay and also to get the wife to have sex repeatedly and to not wait for the woman to ask because sometimes she's too shy to ask.
You've blamed Egypt's high divorce rate on "bad sex." But why is the country stricken with "bad sex"?
I think that probably more than 80 percent of divorces in Egypt are from a lack of sex education. Sex is a taboo; it's not to be discussed or complained about. A lot of people didn't know that they could complain about sex.
Why is sex such a controversial topic in the Muslim world?
It's culture -- it's not Islam, whatsoever. Islam is a very liberal and progressive religion. It invites people to have sex, of course within the marital frame. Prophet Mohammed never showed any offense to anyone asking about sexuality. On the contrary, he responded to every single question. The thing is, the culture overwhelms this.
What do you think about the in-your-face American approach to sex and sexuality?
I'm totally against this. It's harmful -- sex loses its luster and its preciousness. God orders that sex remains precious, like a pearl -- it's not just for everyone. A balance has to be built: This is allowed, this is not allowed; this is halal, this is haram. Sex is one of the things that is forbidden before marriage and outside of marriage; on the other hand, it's allowed within marriage with a lot, a lot of freedom. This creates a balance. In the American approach everything is allowed -- you can have sex at any age, on any occasion.
Who do you think is having better sex -- Americans or Egyptians?
Well, I'm not a witness. [Laughs.] Believe it or not, I've been to several countries for various conferences and it's quite the same everywhere -- there are the same problems. I don't think one group is having better sex than the other, but there is great individual variation. Those who are open, clear with each other and confront the problems they are having are far ahead.
You have encouraged women to explore their bodies -- does that include masturbation?
The woman, by means of instinct, does not need masturbation. She's not like the man whatsoever. It's not a call of nature for her. So that's why I'm not very sympathetic with young women and girls choosing to masturbate. They're ruining their sexual future -- a woman has to remain blank until she gets married and by masturbating she's forming her sexuality.
What if a woman masturbates during marriage?
There's no need! If her husband is operative and they're having sex, there's no need.
As forward-thinking as you are in some respects, you're hardly a liberal by Western standards. What are your feelings on homosexuality?
[Laughs] Well, I have a very famous opinion about homosexuality. I'm totally against homosexuality being considered a gene or natural. It's a sin -- they're just like the alcoholics and the drug-takers. I'm also the reason for a lot of patients to have been cured -- so, no, I can't believe that it is natural.
So you've cured people of their homosexuality?
A lot, yes -- maybe over 30 or 40 now. They were extremely obedient and followed my instructions for a whole nine months to one year. Now these patients are married to women, have kids and desire women even on the level of daydreams and night dreams.
Has a caller on your show ever asked a question that made you blush?
I don't get embarrassed -- it's my job. In Islam, everything between a husband and wife is allowed sexually, except for two things: anal intercourse and intercourse during menstruation. One caller said she desired to be penetrated from behind. I got mad because this is a closed subject -- this is haram. Being asked this question on the air makes me uncomfortable about giving the answers. When I'm inside my own office, it's easier -- you don't have to watch what you say.
What kind of a response have you received to your show?
For me, the response was extremely positive from everyone. I've been told some people think of my show as being extremely revealing and that it's teaching people how to have sex and encouraging young men and women to have sex outside marriage. But I don't care about this argument, because it's not right.
What are your husband's feelings on your career?
He's busy too -- much more busy than I am. I'm blessed; if he were not, I would be living in a big problem. He has been extremely supportive all throughout my life. He used to be my colleague in college. We fell in love in our third year of school. He knows how important my work is to me and he knows that being supportive is the way to my heart. He's my first priority in my world -- he's my love, he's my sweetheart. Maybe that's why I'm giving good advice for spouses. Throughout our 15 years of marriage, I have never stopped loving him.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Canadian Muslim creates 'halal' cosmetics line
Canadian Muslim creates 'halal' cosmetics line
by AFPThis email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it on Friday, 11 September 2009
COSMETICS LINE: Layla Mandi, Canadian makeup artist who converted to Islam, shows her cosmetic line OnePure. (AFP)For Muslim women who feel they are violating Islam's teachings by using skin creams with alcohol and pig residues, Layla Mandi has the answer: religiously-correct "halal" cosmetics.
The Canadian makeup artist who converted to Islam is marketing cosmetics called OnePure, which she says have the luxury feel of international brands minus the elements banned under Islamic law.
"There are pork derivatives and alcohol in most cosmetics products, so Muslims should really use something else," Mandi said.
Story continues below ↓
advertisement
From Islamic banking to alcohol-free hotels, products tagged as halal have become popular among devout Muslims - who pray five times a day and perform other rituals.
Under the concept of halal - which means "lawful" in Arabic - pork and its by-products, alcohol and animals not slaughtered according to Koranic procedures are all forbidden.
Strict Muslims the world over only buy halal food but the market for halal cosmetics is still in its infancy in Asia and a mere novelty for Muslims in the Arab world.
Such products are not usually sold across the counter but can be bought on the Internet from online stores in Malaysia, Jordan and Britain.
"Muslims don?t want to go around and pray five times a day having pork residues on their body," said Mandi, in her early thirties and swathed in a slim black abaya, or cloak, with wisps of blond hair sticking from under her head scarf.
"I came to the Middle East to learn more about people?s needs. Most were pretty shocked when I told them there were pork products in their skin care items so they were very interested."
According to Mandi, fatty acids and gelatin used in moisturisers, shampoos, face masks and lipsticks as well as other items are often extracted from pigs.
Determined to create a halal product, Mandi brought together a dermatologist and a chemist and told them the deal: cosmetics and skin-care products free of pork and alcohol.
OnePure is guaranteed to be just that, she said. And to get a foothold in the highly competitive business, Mandi is offering products that come in glitzy wrappings.
"I wanted the packaging to be really luxurious, to speak to young people and old people, to everyone. I didn?t want people to say ?I?d really like to buy a halal product but the packaging doesn?t look cool,'" she said.
Touted as the first halal cosmetics brand in the Middle East, OnePure products are certified in Malaysia by an Islamic body that also certifies meats and other consumer goods for Muslims.
So far Mandi has been selling them online, on Saudi Airlines - her first customer since July - and a small boutique in the upscale Souk al-Bahar in the Burj Dubai complex that houses the world?s tallest tower.
"It?s most specifically designed for women in the GCC (Gulf Cooperation Council). I plan to launch a line for men but for now, it?s just women," Mandi said. "There is appetite for it in this region."
But some in the make-up industry have expressed skepticism about halal cosmetics, dismissing ideas such as Mandi's as marketing ploys that feed on the need of some for religiously-correct products.
"I feel it?s more about marketing," said Noura Hamdi, marketing manager at a Body Shop boutique in Dubai.
"We are not using any animal products in our products anyway," said Hamdi, adding that the alcohol contained in the cosmetics and skin-care products sold in her shop "is not pure alcohol."
"The customer is not going to drink it. It?s something to apply on your body or clothes so it?s not related to halal or haram or religion," Hamdi said. "The issue is not whether it?s halal or haram, it?s more about the benefits of the product."
But a senior cleric at the United Arab Emirates' Dar al-Iftaa, which issues fatwas, or religious edicts, disagreed.
"If any of the cosmetic products contained pig derivatives or alcohol they should not be used because this is contaminated and one does not want to apply contaminated (products) on one?s body," said the cleric, who is not authorised to identify himself in his task in answering Muslims' queries by telephone.
refered by ...... ->
url is -> www.arabianbusiness.com%2F567446-canadian-muslim-creates-halal-cosmetics-line
by AFPThis email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it on Friday, 11 September 2009
COSMETICS LINE: Layla Mandi, Canadian makeup artist who converted to Islam, shows her cosmetic line OnePure. (AFP)For Muslim women who feel they are violating Islam's teachings by using skin creams with alcohol and pig residues, Layla Mandi has the answer: religiously-correct "halal" cosmetics.
The Canadian makeup artist who converted to Islam is marketing cosmetics called OnePure, which she says have the luxury feel of international brands minus the elements banned under Islamic law.
"There are pork derivatives and alcohol in most cosmetics products, so Muslims should really use something else," Mandi said.
Story continues below ↓
advertisement
From Islamic banking to alcohol-free hotels, products tagged as halal have become popular among devout Muslims - who pray five times a day and perform other rituals.
Under the concept of halal - which means "lawful" in Arabic - pork and its by-products, alcohol and animals not slaughtered according to Koranic procedures are all forbidden.
Strict Muslims the world over only buy halal food but the market for halal cosmetics is still in its infancy in Asia and a mere novelty for Muslims in the Arab world.
Such products are not usually sold across the counter but can be bought on the Internet from online stores in Malaysia, Jordan and Britain.
"Muslims don?t want to go around and pray five times a day having pork residues on their body," said Mandi, in her early thirties and swathed in a slim black abaya, or cloak, with wisps of blond hair sticking from under her head scarf.
"I came to the Middle East to learn more about people?s needs. Most were pretty shocked when I told them there were pork products in their skin care items so they were very interested."
According to Mandi, fatty acids and gelatin used in moisturisers, shampoos, face masks and lipsticks as well as other items are often extracted from pigs.
Determined to create a halal product, Mandi brought together a dermatologist and a chemist and told them the deal: cosmetics and skin-care products free of pork and alcohol.
OnePure is guaranteed to be just that, she said. And to get a foothold in the highly competitive business, Mandi is offering products that come in glitzy wrappings.
"I wanted the packaging to be really luxurious, to speak to young people and old people, to everyone. I didn?t want people to say ?I?d really like to buy a halal product but the packaging doesn?t look cool,'" she said.
Touted as the first halal cosmetics brand in the Middle East, OnePure products are certified in Malaysia by an Islamic body that also certifies meats and other consumer goods for Muslims.
So far Mandi has been selling them online, on Saudi Airlines - her first customer since July - and a small boutique in the upscale Souk al-Bahar in the Burj Dubai complex that houses the world?s tallest tower.
"It?s most specifically designed for women in the GCC (Gulf Cooperation Council). I plan to launch a line for men but for now, it?s just women," Mandi said. "There is appetite for it in this region."
But some in the make-up industry have expressed skepticism about halal cosmetics, dismissing ideas such as Mandi's as marketing ploys that feed on the need of some for religiously-correct products.
"I feel it?s more about marketing," said Noura Hamdi, marketing manager at a Body Shop boutique in Dubai.
"We are not using any animal products in our products anyway," said Hamdi, adding that the alcohol contained in the cosmetics and skin-care products sold in her shop "is not pure alcohol."
"The customer is not going to drink it. It?s something to apply on your body or clothes so it?s not related to halal or haram or religion," Hamdi said. "The issue is not whether it?s halal or haram, it?s more about the benefits of the product."
But a senior cleric at the United Arab Emirates' Dar al-Iftaa, which issues fatwas, or religious edicts, disagreed.
"If any of the cosmetic products contained pig derivatives or alcohol they should not be used because this is contaminated and one does not want to apply contaminated (products) on one?s body," said the cleric, who is not authorised to identify himself in his task in answering Muslims' queries by telephone.
refered by ...... ->
url is -> www.arabianbusiness.com%2F567446-canadian-muslim-creates-halal-cosmetics-line
Sharing the love
Saturday September 12, 2009
Sharing the love
Stories by LOUISA LIM
Would you rather be a mistress or a third wife? We speak to women who vouched for the latter and hear what it’s like having to share for the sake of religion.
It was a family day like no other. In the early morning light, hundreds of men, women and children from all over the globe thronged the peaceful suburb of Bandar Country Homes in Rawang. Mothers gossiped between mouthfuls of nasi lemak, while their kids eyed the cheerful song-and-dance performances with feigned interest.
This illusion of everyday normality was shattered once I took my seat underneath one of the plastic VIP tents that surrounded the vast, rectangular field. Before me, banners pinned to a temporary stage read: Cintailah Allah & Rasul, Perjuangkan Poligami (Love Allah & the Prophet, defend polygamy).
About 20 little girls in tracksuits and tudung were halfway through a well-rehearsed cheerleading routine, the candy-coloured pom-poms in their tiny hands dancing to the beat of religious music. In between each performance, the loudspeaker would repeatedly blare a community service announcement cum tune: “Poligami yang harmoni . . . poligami” (Polygamy is harmonious . . . polygamy).
President of the Ikhwan Polygamy Club and wife of Abuya Ashaari Muhamad, Hatijah Aam.
It was a day organised by Ikhwan Polygamy Club, a group established in August to advocate the benefits of one-husband-multiple-wives marriages.
From where I sat, I could see the frail frame of Hatijah Aam, president of the club and one of the most disparaged women in the Malaysian-Muslim world. Her husband, Abuya Ashaari Muhamad, founder of the controversial and now-defunct Al-Arqam movement, was glaringly absent from the event. A thunderous applause broke out as soon as the emcee uttered her name.
With some assistance from her daughter-in-law, Hatijah shuffled purposefully towards the mike. Back hunched and voice wheezy, she began her speech on behalf of Abuya, who was recovering from the crippling effects of multiple strokes: “Our society has crumbled as a result of politicians who are involved in sex scandals.”
A woman was walking around handing out the club’s literature. A picture of Abuya and his three surviving wives beamed from the cover of one booklet. Underneath it were gold-embossed words: Indahnya Poligamy: Suami untuk Dikongsi, Bukan untuk Diperebutkan (How Wonderful is Polygamy: Husbands are to be Shared, Not Fought Over).
Up on stage, Hatijah continued to address the crowd in Malay: “People have been criticising polygamy for so long, but what about monogamy? The existence of mistresses and prostitutes shows that it does not work. Therefore, polygamy acts as the alternative. Women should accept their husband’s tendency to stray, for it is God that made them that way.
“For peace to prevail at home, women should start seeing his other wives as sisters, rather than enemies. It’s a sacrifice every woman must make, for the sake of her husband. Don’t say you’d rather be single. It’s like crawling into a tiger’s stomach, instead of an alligator’s.”
Halfway through the speech, a bumbling Australian journalist who introduced himself as “Mark from The Associated Press” plonked into the empty seat beside me, looking dazed. He murmured, partly to himself: “I had to come to Malaysia to see what it was all about, and, wow . . . I certainly didn’t expect this. Malaysia is different, eh?”
Rohaya Muhammad (in red tudung) with her husband’s three other wives.
Great family, greater dreams
It took me a while to realise that I was in a community, a self-contained village. All around us were garishly painted office blocks, green interspersed with orange. The green ones, I noticed, belonged to Global Ikhwan Sdn Bhd, the company in charge of running the club like a bureaucracy. Some 95% of the buildings belonged to them, and each one had a signboard displaying their logo and nature of business, which ranged from healthcare to fashion to event management.
“Oh, Abuya has about a thousand other townships like this in Malaysia and overseas,” remarked a woman beside me in immaculate English. She’s 44-year-old Rohaya Muhammad, a doctor in the community clinic and my host for the day.
“He’s got followers from Indonesia, Thailand, Jordan, Syria and Australia. Many of them are here right now.”
The club, she explained, had about 1,200 members, and more than three-quarters of them were women. She was one of them.
“I’m wife number three,” she said matter-of-factly. “I married Abuya’s son about 10 years ago. Before that, I was in a monogamous but unhappy marriage. My husband was a playboy. I had urged him to get married to his women rather than live in sin, but he didn’t want to. We eventually parted ways because we had different priorities in life.”
Rohaya was as ordinary as they come. There was no wild look in her eyes, no religious zeal about her. She was a calm idealist, a warm soul, a professional in a family of professionals.
“One is a lecturer, one is a lawyer and one is an ustaza (religious teacher),” she said, referring to her husband’s wives.
“None of us get to choose our spouse. The club committee decides on that. They take care of everything, from accommodation to food to love. But, of course, if we don’t like the guy, we can always refuse. It wasn’t love at first sight for me, but I’ve always admired Abuya’s philosophy, and I was starstruck when I first met his son.”
As if right on cue, the loudspeaker boomed: “Who says polygamy isn’t wonderful? I’d like to introduce a large family, the result of polygamy, with 38 children and 200 grandchildren. With their father’s guidance, some have become artists, doctors and corporate leaders.”
One by one, the smiling brood appeared, waving to the crowd. Their on-stage arrival was accompanied by introductions from the loudspeaker: “Siti Fatimah, child No 21, Muhammad Adib, child No 29 . . .”
“Not one of them share the same face. Look at them — beautiful, radiant, healthy. There isn’t one of them who is underfed, or is not provided with enough attention. This is a good example of a modern family that uses the home to fight for Islamic values.”
Rohaya pointed at the stage and whispered: “That’s Abuya’s family. My husband’s not there, because he’s only scheduled to perform later.”
Abuya (far left) and one of his sons who is married to Rohaya.
Between a rock and a hard place
What happened recently was reported in almost every Malay media in the country. Headlines screamed, “Group preaches the benefits of polygamy”, “Hatijah Aam invites prostitutes to join the club” and “Becoming the second, third or fourth wife was more worth it than being a prostitute!” The club has reached its pinnacle of notoriety.
But what about its pillars of support, its female members? What do they think?
“Before they signed up, many women were at a disadvantage because society looked down upon them,” said Rohaya.
“I myself was a divorcee with seven children. I felt very vulnerable because people said nasty things. Even now, I’m still very surprised that my husband could accept who I am. He’s my protector, my invisible shield. I believe prostitutes have the same right to feel secure, to feel loved and to get married one day.”
However, that doesn’t make it less difficult, especially when it comes to co-habitating peacefully with other women. Just ask Aishah Abdul Malek, the second wife of Abuya’s younger brother.
“Of course I’m jealous,” said the 42-year-old factory manager. “Sibling rivalry happens all the time. It’s just a normal human reaction.”
The only remedy for jealousy, I’ve been told, is to pray.
“We can’t possibly go through it ourselves. We need Allah to remind us that there’s more to marriage than sex. It’s about love and sacrifice. You love your husband, and that’s why you would sacrifice for him,” she said.
To illustrate her point, Aishah recounted a story about Prophet Muhammad and his wives: “His wives kept asking him which one of them he loved most, so he told them not to worry and that he’d be giving a ring to his favourite wife. That night, he gave them all a ring. Each woman thought he loved her best.”
In their minds, it’s not all fun and games for a man, either. There is a basic rule that all husbands in the club have to adhere to, and that is to be responsible. The word “responsible” dominated almost every sentence in our conversations.
A husband is responsible towards all his wives. A husband has to be a responsible leader.
“Dodging his responsibilities would mean that he had sinned in the eyes of God. Our husbands are as afraid as we are,” explained Aishah.
How, then, does sex come into the equation?
Ikhwan Polygamy Club founder, Abuya’s children and grandchildren putting on a performance. — ABDUL RAHMAN SENIN/The Star
“No, we don’t sleep in the same bed at night. We take our turns,” answered Rohaya. “Unlike other polygamous marriages, the first wife does not receive any special privileges. Everyone should be treated equally and with respect.”
This unconventional approach to marriage has enraged opponents of polygamy, but Aishah and Rohaya believe it work for them.
“The wives and I complement each other,” Rohaya exclaimed. “They take care of my kids when I’m working; I take care of theirs when they work. If I need legal advice, I always go to the first wife, the lawyer. My kids get free Arabic lessons from the second wife, the lecturer. There are 17 children in our great, big family, and it’s always noisy but I wouldn’t have it any other way. We do everything together — eat, pray, go on holidays. And you wouldn’t believe how insanely busy we get during Raya, when we have to visit all four homes.”
Still, the “for” and “against” factions have always disagreed vehemently when it comes to the children’s welfare. Numerous studies have shown that kids from polygamous marriages are more likely to be abused.
The lower cost of living also contributes towards poorer education and therefore limited employment opportunities. Not only that, the issue of how these children would treat the fairer sex when they grow up has always been a great concern.
Curiosity got the better of me. I requested to speak to Mohd Al-Ghazi Al-Tamimi, 16, a grandson of Abuya who is currently studying in the community high school. He spoke no English.
“I have 23 brothers and sisters. We each receive an allowance of RM100 a month. It’s enough for me. But sometimes, my dad prefers to see us work for our money, to be independent,” he said.
His eyes glistened when he spoke of his parents.
“I love Umu Wahidah (my second mother) the most, but she passed away recently. My mum is always busy, but I’ve never felt like I lacked any love from my parents, mainly because of Wahidah, who loved all her children like they were her own,” he sniffed.
“Getting married is not a priority right now, but when it happens, I’ll get my father’s advice. Husbands have a lot of responsibility, so it also depends on whether I’m able to support the women.”
At this, Rohaya gave Al-Ghazi her nod of approval.
“You know, people tease us when we go out sometimes,” she said. “Like ‘Eh eh, boleh duduk bersama?’ (Eh-eh, you can all be together?). But not all polygamous marriages are bad. We’re not all unhappy. We’re not being mistreated. And I think, given the right role models, society will one day accept us.”
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Sharing the love
Stories by LOUISA LIM
Would you rather be a mistress or a third wife? We speak to women who vouched for the latter and hear what it’s like having to share for the sake of religion.
It was a family day like no other. In the early morning light, hundreds of men, women and children from all over the globe thronged the peaceful suburb of Bandar Country Homes in Rawang. Mothers gossiped between mouthfuls of nasi lemak, while their kids eyed the cheerful song-and-dance performances with feigned interest.
This illusion of everyday normality was shattered once I took my seat underneath one of the plastic VIP tents that surrounded the vast, rectangular field. Before me, banners pinned to a temporary stage read: Cintailah Allah & Rasul, Perjuangkan Poligami (Love Allah & the Prophet, defend polygamy).
About 20 little girls in tracksuits and tudung were halfway through a well-rehearsed cheerleading routine, the candy-coloured pom-poms in their tiny hands dancing to the beat of religious music. In between each performance, the loudspeaker would repeatedly blare a community service announcement cum tune: “Poligami yang harmoni . . . poligami” (Polygamy is harmonious . . . polygamy).
President of the Ikhwan Polygamy Club and wife of Abuya Ashaari Muhamad, Hatijah Aam.
It was a day organised by Ikhwan Polygamy Club, a group established in August to advocate the benefits of one-husband-multiple-wives marriages.
From where I sat, I could see the frail frame of Hatijah Aam, president of the club and one of the most disparaged women in the Malaysian-Muslim world. Her husband, Abuya Ashaari Muhamad, founder of the controversial and now-defunct Al-Arqam movement, was glaringly absent from the event. A thunderous applause broke out as soon as the emcee uttered her name.
With some assistance from her daughter-in-law, Hatijah shuffled purposefully towards the mike. Back hunched and voice wheezy, she began her speech on behalf of Abuya, who was recovering from the crippling effects of multiple strokes: “Our society has crumbled as a result of politicians who are involved in sex scandals.”
A woman was walking around handing out the club’s literature. A picture of Abuya and his three surviving wives beamed from the cover of one booklet. Underneath it were gold-embossed words: Indahnya Poligamy: Suami untuk Dikongsi, Bukan untuk Diperebutkan (How Wonderful is Polygamy: Husbands are to be Shared, Not Fought Over).
Up on stage, Hatijah continued to address the crowd in Malay: “People have been criticising polygamy for so long, but what about monogamy? The existence of mistresses and prostitutes shows that it does not work. Therefore, polygamy acts as the alternative. Women should accept their husband’s tendency to stray, for it is God that made them that way.
“For peace to prevail at home, women should start seeing his other wives as sisters, rather than enemies. It’s a sacrifice every woman must make, for the sake of her husband. Don’t say you’d rather be single. It’s like crawling into a tiger’s stomach, instead of an alligator’s.”
Halfway through the speech, a bumbling Australian journalist who introduced himself as “Mark from The Associated Press” plonked into the empty seat beside me, looking dazed. He murmured, partly to himself: “I had to come to Malaysia to see what it was all about, and, wow . . . I certainly didn’t expect this. Malaysia is different, eh?”
Rohaya Muhammad (in red tudung) with her husband’s three other wives.
Great family, greater dreams
It took me a while to realise that I was in a community, a self-contained village. All around us were garishly painted office blocks, green interspersed with orange. The green ones, I noticed, belonged to Global Ikhwan Sdn Bhd, the company in charge of running the club like a bureaucracy. Some 95% of the buildings belonged to them, and each one had a signboard displaying their logo and nature of business, which ranged from healthcare to fashion to event management.
“Oh, Abuya has about a thousand other townships like this in Malaysia and overseas,” remarked a woman beside me in immaculate English. She’s 44-year-old Rohaya Muhammad, a doctor in the community clinic and my host for the day.
“He’s got followers from Indonesia, Thailand, Jordan, Syria and Australia. Many of them are here right now.”
The club, she explained, had about 1,200 members, and more than three-quarters of them were women. She was one of them.
“I’m wife number three,” she said matter-of-factly. “I married Abuya’s son about 10 years ago. Before that, I was in a monogamous but unhappy marriage. My husband was a playboy. I had urged him to get married to his women rather than live in sin, but he didn’t want to. We eventually parted ways because we had different priorities in life.”
Rohaya was as ordinary as they come. There was no wild look in her eyes, no religious zeal about her. She was a calm idealist, a warm soul, a professional in a family of professionals.
“One is a lecturer, one is a lawyer and one is an ustaza (religious teacher),” she said, referring to her husband’s wives.
“None of us get to choose our spouse. The club committee decides on that. They take care of everything, from accommodation to food to love. But, of course, if we don’t like the guy, we can always refuse. It wasn’t love at first sight for me, but I’ve always admired Abuya’s philosophy, and I was starstruck when I first met his son.”
As if right on cue, the loudspeaker boomed: “Who says polygamy isn’t wonderful? I’d like to introduce a large family, the result of polygamy, with 38 children and 200 grandchildren. With their father’s guidance, some have become artists, doctors and corporate leaders.”
One by one, the smiling brood appeared, waving to the crowd. Their on-stage arrival was accompanied by introductions from the loudspeaker: “Siti Fatimah, child No 21, Muhammad Adib, child No 29 . . .”
“Not one of them share the same face. Look at them — beautiful, radiant, healthy. There isn’t one of them who is underfed, or is not provided with enough attention. This is a good example of a modern family that uses the home to fight for Islamic values.”
Rohaya pointed at the stage and whispered: “That’s Abuya’s family. My husband’s not there, because he’s only scheduled to perform later.”
Abuya (far left) and one of his sons who is married to Rohaya.
Between a rock and a hard place
What happened recently was reported in almost every Malay media in the country. Headlines screamed, “Group preaches the benefits of polygamy”, “Hatijah Aam invites prostitutes to join the club” and “Becoming the second, third or fourth wife was more worth it than being a prostitute!” The club has reached its pinnacle of notoriety.
But what about its pillars of support, its female members? What do they think?
“Before they signed up, many women were at a disadvantage because society looked down upon them,” said Rohaya.
“I myself was a divorcee with seven children. I felt very vulnerable because people said nasty things. Even now, I’m still very surprised that my husband could accept who I am. He’s my protector, my invisible shield. I believe prostitutes have the same right to feel secure, to feel loved and to get married one day.”
However, that doesn’t make it less difficult, especially when it comes to co-habitating peacefully with other women. Just ask Aishah Abdul Malek, the second wife of Abuya’s younger brother.
“Of course I’m jealous,” said the 42-year-old factory manager. “Sibling rivalry happens all the time. It’s just a normal human reaction.”
The only remedy for jealousy, I’ve been told, is to pray.
“We can’t possibly go through it ourselves. We need Allah to remind us that there’s more to marriage than sex. It’s about love and sacrifice. You love your husband, and that’s why you would sacrifice for him,” she said.
To illustrate her point, Aishah recounted a story about Prophet Muhammad and his wives: “His wives kept asking him which one of them he loved most, so he told them not to worry and that he’d be giving a ring to his favourite wife. That night, he gave them all a ring. Each woman thought he loved her best.”
In their minds, it’s not all fun and games for a man, either. There is a basic rule that all husbands in the club have to adhere to, and that is to be responsible. The word “responsible” dominated almost every sentence in our conversations.
A husband is responsible towards all his wives. A husband has to be a responsible leader.
“Dodging his responsibilities would mean that he had sinned in the eyes of God. Our husbands are as afraid as we are,” explained Aishah.
How, then, does sex come into the equation?
Ikhwan Polygamy Club founder, Abuya’s children and grandchildren putting on a performance. — ABDUL RAHMAN SENIN/The Star
“No, we don’t sleep in the same bed at night. We take our turns,” answered Rohaya. “Unlike other polygamous marriages, the first wife does not receive any special privileges. Everyone should be treated equally and with respect.”
This unconventional approach to marriage has enraged opponents of polygamy, but Aishah and Rohaya believe it work for them.
“The wives and I complement each other,” Rohaya exclaimed. “They take care of my kids when I’m working; I take care of theirs when they work. If I need legal advice, I always go to the first wife, the lawyer. My kids get free Arabic lessons from the second wife, the lecturer. There are 17 children in our great, big family, and it’s always noisy but I wouldn’t have it any other way. We do everything together — eat, pray, go on holidays. And you wouldn’t believe how insanely busy we get during Raya, when we have to visit all four homes.”
Still, the “for” and “against” factions have always disagreed vehemently when it comes to the children’s welfare. Numerous studies have shown that kids from polygamous marriages are more likely to be abused.
The lower cost of living also contributes towards poorer education and therefore limited employment opportunities. Not only that, the issue of how these children would treat the fairer sex when they grow up has always been a great concern.
Curiosity got the better of me. I requested to speak to Mohd Al-Ghazi Al-Tamimi, 16, a grandson of Abuya who is currently studying in the community high school. He spoke no English.
“I have 23 brothers and sisters. We each receive an allowance of RM100 a month. It’s enough for me. But sometimes, my dad prefers to see us work for our money, to be independent,” he said.
His eyes glistened when he spoke of his parents.
“I love Umu Wahidah (my second mother) the most, but she passed away recently. My mum is always busy, but I’ve never felt like I lacked any love from my parents, mainly because of Wahidah, who loved all her children like they were her own,” he sniffed.
“Getting married is not a priority right now, but when it happens, I’ll get my father’s advice. Husbands have a lot of responsibility, so it also depends on whether I’m able to support the women.”
At this, Rohaya gave Al-Ghazi her nod of approval.
“You know, people tease us when we go out sometimes,” she said. “Like ‘Eh eh, boleh duduk bersama?’ (Eh-eh, you can all be together?). But not all polygamous marriages are bad. We’re not all unhappy. We’re not being mistreated. And I think, given the right role models, society will one day accept us.”
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Secret parenting info
How to Parenting your teen Parents relationship with your teen
www.honestparenting.com/
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Keterangan program
Keterangan program dan borang penyertaan
PENDAFTARAN PERCUMA dibuka kepada LELAKI berumur 25-40 (Bujang atau Duda bercerai atau kematian isteri), berkerjaya dan menetap di Lembah Klang, atau Selangor. Melalui sistem percuma ini, anda (LELAKI) akan diberikan 1 (satu) calon wanita yang sesuai dan layak. Syarat dan peraturan mestilah dipatuhi. >>>
LELAKI yang berhasrat mencari calon jodoh juga dipersilakan menghubungi terus Peserta wanita secara email atau SMS. Patuhi peraturan, adab dan akhlaq Islamiyyah dalam berinteraksi dan komunikasi. >>>
LELAKI yang mendaftar dan memberikan maklumat lengkap bersama rujukan (referrer) akan diberi akses `private message' dan boleh menghantar mesej kepada ahli portal ini PERCUMA.
PENDAFTARAN dibuka kepada Muslimat (wanita) gadis (bujang), janda, ibu tunggal. >>>
Buku catatan | Nukilan Blog | Terbitan | Audio | Imej | | Forum Perbincangan | Kategori | HUBUNGI KAMI - ADUAN, CADANGAN, BANTUAN
Tekad Gemilang Insan Cemerlang
Program Cari Jodoh Islam
Perkahwinan
Program ini dilaksanakan bagi membantu Muslimin Muslimat mencari calon jodoh dan perkahwinan
Ia dijalankan oleh para pembimbing dan pengurus berpengalaman:
Peserta terdiri daripada: gadis (wanita belum pernah berkahwin), teruna (lelaki belum pernah berkahwin), duda, balu, janda, ibu tunggal, dan juga lelaki yang berhasrat berpoligami.
CALON (Peserta) berpendidikan tinggi, guru dan pendidik, profesional, usahawan, kakitangan kerajaan, swasta, tentera, polis, Akademik
Portal `online matchmaking' atau `dating site' seperti yang dijalankan oleh MyJodoh.net atau Jodoh4U.com, MuslimMatrimonial.com, atau Muslima.com.
KAMI MELAKSANAKAN PENCARIAN JODOH bagi pihak peserta yang melantik kami dan membayar yuran RM100 (sekali sahaja). Amanah dan tanggungjawab yang diberikan kepada kami dilaksanakan dengan bijaksana dan mengikut kehendak Syariat Islam.
Program dan sistem kami ini berbeza dengan sistem AGENSI CARI JODOH seperti Cupids Touch, LunchActually, dan sebagainya.
TAKRUF bermakna perjumpaan antara PESERTA yang bertujuan mengenali rupa, personaliti dan perbincangan yang makruf, dengan niat untuk berkahwin, calon wanita mesti ditemani oleh WALI atau Muhram, di tempat awam yang sesuai.
Manakala bagi hubungan perkenalan dan perjumpaan antara ahli portal adalah tanggungjawab anda sendiri.
Peraturan Syariat Islam mestilah dipatuhi dan diutamakan. Sila fahami dan teliti, dan maklumbalas anda dialu-alukan.
Untuk mendapatkan akses profil ahli lain dan menulis blog, forum, dan artikel, anda mestilah menyertai Program Cari Jodoh Islami dengan bayaran yuran RM100.
Dengan Rm100 ini, urusan pencarian jodoh anda akan dikendalikan oleh kami. Anda akan mendapat 3 calon yang layak dan sesuai.
Manakala interaksi antara ahli portal ini dan sebarang pertemuan yang anda sendiri adakan adalah TANGGUNGJAWAB anda. Walaubagaimanapun, kami akan MENAPIS KEAHLIAN portal dan peserta program cari jodoh.
Sila pilih SISTEM dan jumlah pembayaran yang diken
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Uploadkan dokumen atau gambar atau Borang yang telah diisikan
Sistem: *
Sistem 1 (Rm100) = 3 Calon layak dan sesuai; Akses profil dan boleh menghubungi semua ahli portal; Calon wanita menghubungi calon lelaki secara SMS telefon atau email; Takruf pada tarikh tempat dan masa yang sesuai ditentukan sendiri oleh calon wanita; Menghadiri perjumpaan bulanan di Suria KLCC dan Masjid as Syakirin
Sistem 2 (Rm200) = + Pengurus menemuduga calon secara SMS telefon atau email; Background check; menghubungi RUJUKAN atau WALI
Sistem 3 (Rm300) = + Pengurus menghubungi 1 individual yang dikehendaki oleh calon (samada rakan, kenalan, ahli organisasi, saudara, atau ahli portal jodoh lain)
Sistem 4 (Rm500) = + Bimbingan dan panduan secara personal dan berterusan (SMS telefon email atau temujanji dengan pengurus/ustaz/ustazah); Personal coaching, motivation, guidance
Sistem 5 (Rm800) = + Pencarian Jodoh di kalangan profesional, usahawan, tokoh, elit, organisasi, jabatan (pengurus pro-aktif mencari calon individual yang bujang/single, dan mengatur Takruf)
Sistem 6 (Rm1000) = + Pencarian Jodoh di kalangan profesional, usahawan, tokoh, elit, organisasi, jabatan (pengurus pro-aktif mencari calon individual yang bujang/single berpendapatan RM5000 ke atas, dan mengatur Takruf)
Sistem 7 (Rm2000) = + Pencarian Jodoh spesifik menepati kriteria sempurna (Personaliti, pendapatan, bidang kerjaya dsb)
Sistem 8 (Rm3000) = + Organisasi Syarikat dan Korporat - Program cari Jodoh untuk ahli (employees, directors, managers, executives)
Pilih PERKHIDMATAN CARIAN JODOH (Matchmaking) yang anda kehendaki
»
Iklaneka
Produk dan Servis Muslimin Malaysia
Untuk beriklan di petak ini hanya RM10/setahun bagi 1 petak/baris:
Email muslimin.org@gmail.com, tel/sms 0199667092
PENDAFTARAN PERCUMA dibuka kepada LELAKI berumur 25-40 (Bujang atau Duda bercerai atau kematian isteri), berkerjaya dan menetap di Lembah Klang, atau Selangor. Melalui sistem percuma ini, anda (LELAKI) akan diberikan 1 (satu) calon wanita yang sesuai dan layak. Syarat dan peraturan mestilah dipatuhi. >>>
LELAKI yang berhasrat mencari calon jodoh juga dipersilakan menghubungi terus Peserta wanita secara email atau SMS. Patuhi peraturan, adab dan akhlaq Islamiyyah dalam berinteraksi dan komunikasi. >>>
LELAKI yang mendaftar dan memberikan maklumat lengkap bersama rujukan (referrer) akan diberi akses `private message' dan boleh menghantar mesej kepada ahli portal ini PERCUMA.
PENDAFTARAN dibuka kepada Muslimat (wanita) gadis (bujang), janda, ibu tunggal. >>>
Buku catatan | Nukilan Blog | Terbitan | Audio | Imej | | Forum Perbincangan | Kategori | HUBUNGI KAMI - ADUAN, CADANGAN, BANTUAN
Tekad Gemilang Insan Cemerlang
Program Cari Jodoh Islam
Perkahwinan
Program ini dilaksanakan bagi membantu Muslimin Muslimat mencari calon jodoh dan perkahwinan
Ia dijalankan oleh para pembimbing dan pengurus berpengalaman:
Peserta terdiri daripada: gadis (wanita belum pernah berkahwin), teruna (lelaki belum pernah berkahwin), duda, balu, janda, ibu tunggal, dan juga lelaki yang berhasrat berpoligami.
CALON (Peserta) berpendidikan tinggi, guru dan pendidik, profesional, usahawan, kakitangan kerajaan, swasta, tentera, polis, Akademik
Portal `online matchmaking' atau `dating site' seperti yang dijalankan oleh MyJodoh.net atau Jodoh4U.com, MuslimMatrimonial.com, atau Muslima.com.
KAMI MELAKSANAKAN PENCARIAN JODOH bagi pihak peserta yang melantik kami dan membayar yuran RM100 (sekali sahaja). Amanah dan tanggungjawab yang diberikan kepada kami dilaksanakan dengan bijaksana dan mengikut kehendak Syariat Islam.
Program dan sistem kami ini berbeza dengan sistem AGENSI CARI JODOH seperti Cupids Touch, LunchActually, dan sebagainya.
TAKRUF bermakna perjumpaan antara PESERTA yang bertujuan mengenali rupa, personaliti dan perbincangan yang makruf, dengan niat untuk berkahwin, calon wanita mesti ditemani oleh WALI atau Muhram, di tempat awam yang sesuai.
Manakala bagi hubungan perkenalan dan perjumpaan antara ahli portal adalah tanggungjawab anda sendiri.
Peraturan Syariat Islam mestilah dipatuhi dan diutamakan. Sila fahami dan teliti, dan maklumbalas anda dialu-alukan.
Untuk mendapatkan akses profil ahli lain dan menulis blog, forum, dan artikel, anda mestilah menyertai Program Cari Jodoh Islami dengan bayaran yuran RM100.
Dengan Rm100 ini, urusan pencarian jodoh anda akan dikendalikan oleh kami. Anda akan mendapat 3 calon yang layak dan sesuai.
Manakala interaksi antara ahli portal ini dan sebarang pertemuan yang anda sendiri adakan adalah TANGGUNGJAWAB anda. Walaubagaimanapun, kami akan MENAPIS KEAHLIAN portal dan peserta program cari jodoh.
Sila pilih SISTEM dan jumlah pembayaran yang diken
Borang Biodata terperinci
Masukkan 1 atau beberapa email; salinan borang anda akan diemailkan
Nama portal:
Nama samaran yang anda gunakan di portal ini jika ada
Maklumat anda: *
Nama:
Status perkahwinan:
Tarikh lahir dan umur:
Alamat sekarang:
Kerjaya:
Asal:
Telefon:
Nama, umur, tarikh lahir, alamat, telefon, handphone, status, kerjaya
Kriteria calon yang anda kehendaki: *
Bujang / Gadis / Teruna / Duda / Janda / Berpoligami (padamkan yang tidak dikehendaki)
Peringkat umur:
Kerjaya dan pendapatan:
Lokasi menetap:
Fizikal:
Dan lain-lain
Tuliskan kriteria calon yang anda kehendaki
Upload:
Uploadkan dokumen atau gambar atau Borang yang telah diisikan
Sistem: *
Sistem 1 (Rm100) = 3 Calon layak dan sesuai; Akses profil dan boleh menghubungi semua ahli portal; Calon wanita menghubungi calon lelaki secara SMS telefon atau email; Takruf pada tarikh tempat dan masa yang sesuai ditentukan sendiri oleh calon wanita; Menghadiri perjumpaan bulanan di Suria KLCC dan Masjid as Syakirin
Sistem 2 (Rm200) = + Pengurus menemuduga calon secara SMS telefon atau email; Background check; menghubungi RUJUKAN atau WALI
Sistem 3 (Rm300) = + Pengurus menghubungi 1 individual yang dikehendaki oleh calon (samada rakan, kenalan, ahli organisasi, saudara, atau ahli portal jodoh lain)
Sistem 4 (Rm500) = + Bimbingan dan panduan secara personal dan berterusan (SMS telefon email atau temujanji dengan pengurus/ustaz/ustazah); Personal coaching, motivation, guidance
Sistem 5 (Rm800) = + Pencarian Jodoh di kalangan profesional, usahawan, tokoh, elit, organisasi, jabatan (pengurus pro-aktif mencari calon individual yang bujang/single, dan mengatur Takruf)
Sistem 6 (Rm1000) = + Pencarian Jodoh di kalangan profesional, usahawan, tokoh, elit, organisasi, jabatan (pengurus pro-aktif mencari calon individual yang bujang/single berpendapatan RM5000 ke atas, dan mengatur Takruf)
Sistem 7 (Rm2000) = + Pencarian Jodoh spesifik menepati kriteria sempurna (Personaliti, pendapatan, bidang kerjaya dsb)
Sistem 8 (Rm3000) = + Organisasi Syarikat dan Korporat - Program cari Jodoh untuk ahli (employees, directors, managers, executives)
Pilih PERKHIDMATAN CARIAN JODOH (Matchmaking) yang anda kehendaki
»
Iklaneka
Produk dan Servis Muslimin Malaysia
Untuk beriklan di petak ini hanya RM10/setahun bagi 1 petak/baris:
Email muslimin.org@gmail.com, tel/sms 0199667092
Selamat datang ke Halalmatch
Selamat datang ke Halalmatch
Halalmatch.com adalah website jodoh khusus bagi yang serius dan ingin menikah. Segeralah menjadi anggota dan nikmati :
- Pencarian jodoh dengan foto.
- Melihat no. HP dan telephone.
- Mengirim pesan sesama anggota.
- Live chating sesama anggota.
- Memasang profil dan foto.
- SMS pemberitahuan bila ada pesan dari sesama anggota.
Keanggotaan berlaku selamanya, sampai mendapat jodoh.
Daftar sekarang juga,
Halalmatch.com adalah website jodoh khusus bagi yang serius dan ingin menikah. Segeralah menjadi anggota dan nikmati :
- Pencarian jodoh dengan foto.
- Melihat no. HP dan telephone.
- Mengirim pesan sesama anggota.
- Live chating sesama anggota.
- Memasang profil dan foto.
- SMS pemberitahuan bila ada pesan dari sesama anggota.
Keanggotaan berlaku selamanya, sampai mendapat jodoh.
Daftar sekarang juga,
Berpoligami
salam,
saya seorang wanita, seorang isteri dan seorang ibu.
secara dasarnya saya tidak bersetuju apabila ramai pihak, terutama kaum sejenis saya yang menentang poligami kerana ia merupakan hukum Allah.Poligami itu adalah suatu kelebihan yang Allah berikan kepada kaum lelaki, TETAPI BUKANLAH BOLEH DIPERGUNAKAN DENGAN SEWENANG-WENANGNYA.
Kita seharusnya tidak bercakap mengenai keburukan berpoligami kerana itu adalah syariat yang ditentukan oleh Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui.Keburukan yang kita nampak itu sebenarnya adalah pengaruh emosi diri kita semata-mata.Tetapi apa yang harus dibincangkan ialah BAGAIMANA UNTUK BERLAKU ADIL didalam sesuatu poligami itu.
amat mengecewakan apabila ada wanita yang dengan rasa sombong menolak poligami itu semata2 kerana dia merasakan suaminya adalah miliknya secara mutlak, dia lupa yang bukan shj suaminya, tetapi dirinya juga adalah milik,Allah Azza wajalla
Sekalipun saya sendiri tidak pernah merasakan pahit manis berpoligami, saya percaya, jika kita meletakkan dan menyerahkan jiwa kita kepada Allah Rabbil 'Alamin, tidak ada apa yang akan menyekat kita dari menikmati kebahagiaan dunia dan akhirat, insyaallah.
12:32 PM
saya seorang wanita, seorang isteri dan seorang ibu.
secara dasarnya saya tidak bersetuju apabila ramai pihak, terutama kaum sejenis saya yang menentang poligami kerana ia merupakan hukum Allah.Poligami itu adalah suatu kelebihan yang Allah berikan kepada kaum lelaki, TETAPI BUKANLAH BOLEH DIPERGUNAKAN DENGAN SEWENANG-WENANGNYA.
Kita seharusnya tidak bercakap mengenai keburukan berpoligami kerana itu adalah syariat yang ditentukan oleh Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui.Keburukan yang kita nampak itu sebenarnya adalah pengaruh emosi diri kita semata-mata.Tetapi apa yang harus dibincangkan ialah BAGAIMANA UNTUK BERLAKU ADIL didalam sesuatu poligami itu.
amat mengecewakan apabila ada wanita yang dengan rasa sombong menolak poligami itu semata2 kerana dia merasakan suaminya adalah miliknya secara mutlak, dia lupa yang bukan shj suaminya, tetapi dirinya juga adalah milik,Allah Azza wajalla
Sekalipun saya sendiri tidak pernah merasakan pahit manis berpoligami, saya percaya, jika kita meletakkan dan menyerahkan jiwa kita kepada Allah Rabbil 'Alamin, tidak ada apa yang akan menyekat kita dari menikmati kebahagiaan dunia dan akhirat, insyaallah.
12:32 PM
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